Plot Twist

I've done it.  I've followed through on something that I've only ever imagined before.  Sometimes in the tiniest, briefest moments of fear, sometimes in full-blown nightmare, sometimes in wistful imagination.  There's been countless moments over the years where the idea existed as a possibility.  And for the most part, I spent ten full years pushing it away.

Because I was attached to the story.  Because I wanted to be right, to have done things right and made the right choices.  Because it was comfortable and I got complacent.  Because changing your entire life around is the scariest thing we can possibly do as humans.

But here's the thing about the complacent life, or being right, or holding on too tightly to our story: it robs us of the fundamental purpose of being here, of living these lives.  I think we're here- wait for it- to grow.  That's all.  Not to reach some milestone or claim some achievement but simply to grow.  To become better versions of ourselves, more fundamentally us.

And here's the thing about growth: it requires change.  And, to use the plant analogy, a lot of manure.

I see lots of memes with pictures of sunlight shining through droplets of water.  Of the freedom we feel when sailing on the wind.  Of the vistas and grand views out on the vast expanses.  I don't see a whole lot with pictures of dirt, soil, shit.  I don't see all the dark, unintended mistakes being touted as what we want, what to look for.  But isn't that exactly what we grow in?

Don't we, like all those seeds buried deep in the dark places, feed off of the stuff that we bury?  The truths we don't want to recognize?  The actions we are too scared to take because they force us into the unknown where everything we hold dear is lost to us in order to make way for something else?

I began this process however long ago literally begging for change.  Asking the universe for my life to be taken in the direction it needed to go, no matter how frightening the prospect was, of how many things would be pulled out of alignment in order for that to happen.  And yet I find myself somewhat shocked with how quickly everything has changed.

I can't say that I'm standing on the edge of a great precipice because I've already taken the leap- I'm out of the house, out of the relationship I've been so firmly rooted in for the past decade, looking for a new pace, new daily lifestyle, new everything.  And there is fear, certainly.  And there is grief from so many harsh realities i'm facing head-on about my past.

But damned if there isn't growth.