Big, Fun and Scary 2011- The Year In Review

1) 211 IN 2011!

This is my 210^th blog post for the year in which I am reviewing what I have accomplished from my big, fun scary challenge list.  Tomorrow will be my big, fun scary challenge for 2012.  Short of the world actually ending on new year’s eve (which I think was limited to the cusp of the new millennium, anyway) I will be writing my 211^th blog post tomorrow and therefore completing this challenge.  I’m confident enough in my chances of the world not ending to call this one done.

Reading back through the posts for the year I’ve discovered quite a lot of lessons that I didn’t set out with the intention of learning.  I set out with the goal of high volume thinking that it would lead me to develop a habit- like brushing my teeth.  It has not done that.  I am no more able to write without the neuroses in my head driving me mad now than I was before and I have no intention of setting another high-volume challenge for myself next year.

But here’s what I have learned:  The Flash Friday community of writers is a truly amazing place to be. And if you truly do rise (or sink) to the level of the company you keep then these are people I definitely want to be around if I want my writing to improve.  While I won’t make any promises of posting every Friday I will promise to keep posting my short stories within that community because the feedback and sense of good company is far too great to lose.  I am hopeful that not putting the pressure on myself to write so often will lead me to write and revise so that when I post, even if it took a couple weeks to get ready, it will be a better product than if I just wrote and posted in a desperate attempt to make the timeline.

I like writing non-fiction.  I have a weird notion in my mind that non-fiction is somehow a less noble calling than fiction so I give myself more credit for completing the flash stories or NaNoWriMo or some other fiction piece.  But the movie reviews, the history of holidays, the personal entries about my thought processes and the observations on the world I live in are actually pretty damned significant to me.  I admit that I wrote a lot of those because of that 211 challenge but I discovered something in the process: I actually like writing them.  With my fiction, I doubt and judge and drive myself mad with criticism.  With my non-fiction I seem to do that less, enough to actually enjoy the process sometimes.  That’s too big of a boost to give up on, so expect to see more of that in 2012.

I have, in spite of all those previously mentioned neuroses, grown over the course of this year.  Not enough to have built aspirations for publishing on a level beyond this blog but enough that I want to keep going and keep challenging myself to do something different.  To fail better.

2) I WILL GET A BETTER JOB!

In May I was lucky enough to start work at a pretty great company after a mere three weeks of not working.  Having the guts to trust my gut and quit without another job lined up has had the biggest impact on me of just about anything I’ve ever done.  The world not ending, me not breaking down, the better job becoming available with pretty great timing all pointed to the fact that giving up my previous worldviews and shifting to a perspective that might actually be right for me is not only possible but actually has quite a lot to back it up in terms of real-world experience.  That, even more than the job, is why this was so incredibly important to me.

I’ve written about the simple pleasures of my new job in here quite a lot- the sunny office, the wonderful potlucks, the competent co-workers and the unimaginably laid-back nature of my boss keep me not only sane but, most of the time, pretty damned content with my job.  But, like anything else in my life, it is not permanent.  While it is a great job I am firm in my belief that that’s all it is- a job.  It is not the career I want, not anymore.  The tough part is that I have no earthly idea what is.  But that’s another challenge.

3) I WILL FINISH MY NOVEL

When I wrote that goal back at the end of 2010 I did have a specific novel in mind: the 2010 NaNoWriMo novel.  I have not, despite an additional NaNoWriMo challenge in August, completed that novel.  But I’m ok with that because I did finish A novel- my NaNoWriMo novel for this year.  And here’s why I’m counting that for this challenge: because it taught me what I hoped to learn about finishing a novel.  That it is thrilling and exciting and wonderful to be able to write those two little words: the end.  And that it is, despite that breathtaking sensation, still just the beginning of the process.

All the pep talks, all the other writers, everyone who’s involved in the process of their own creativity says that editing is where the real challenge begins.  Rewriting is where the story gains wholeness, gets connected, becomes more than just a brilliant mess of ideas.  And so editing is, needless to say, my next big challenge.

4) I WILL TRAIN, TEST AND BE AWARDED 2nd DAN IN TANG SOO DO!

This was the most definite (i.e. nothing short of a shot to the head was going to stop me from doing it) but also most reinforcing challenge for me this year.  It reinforced the awesome belief that I’m capable of so much more than I think I am if I stop listing to that horrifically critical voice in my head.  It reinforced the awesome feeling I get from being a part of that community, that family of martial artists.  It reinforced how incredibly important that part of my life is and how desperately I’d be asking for madness if I ever stopped doing it. 

I didn’t write much about it, simply because it’s hard to put that experience into words.  (And because we're not allowed to talk about it in public forums such as this.)  But suffice it to say that it will continue to be a very big, very important part of my life not just in the coming year, but for a long time to come.

5) I WILL GROW

This is an on-going process, obviously.  But having recently done a review of this year of my life in conversation with a friend I have pin pointed quite a lot of really significant changes in this department.  As I mentioned earlier in #2, having quit that literally soul-sucking job without knowing where I ‘d end up was a life changing moment.  Accepting that the career path I set out on is not one I want to stay on has been life changing.  Seeing this world so drastically differently with this new perspective has been a cavalcade of life-changing moments.  Coming to grips with life not being at all what I was taught it would be and learning that nothing works the way I thought it did continues to be life changing.  But I’m more at peace with that massive realization than I ever have been before.   My new mantra on that front has been “You’re not supposed to know and no one can tell you.” 

I’m not supposed to know how the world- or life- works.  And the more I see of people who think they know the less I believe what they tell me.  My life is going to be one surprise after another until the day I die.  Things will work out differently at the end then I thought they could at the start.  I will become someone, not completely different than I am now, but significantly less like what I think I have the potential to be at this point in my life.  And instead of reacting to all that with fear, I’m going to try my damndest to greet each new unexpected change with acceptance and, with any luck, a little grace.

For those of you who followed any of my progress over the past year by reading these crazy little posts of mine, I can't thank you enough.  This blog, and the responses I've gotten from those who have read it, has meant so much to me in this process of growth.  So thank you.

2nd Dan

Tonight, in front of the teachers who trained me, the students who tested with me, the other seniors who helped me and those who supported me I had a second stripe wrapped around my belt. I am now, officially, a 2nd Dan.

It's sort-of funny- I was more proud of the other students than I was of myself. Not because it wasn't a significant event in my life, but because the test itself and the training that came after it was more symbolic to me of what I actually accomplished. Tonight, while great, was more of a technicality.

But still, I must say again what a huge milestone this is in my life. I am proud of myself for what I've done, but even more determined and excited about all I have yet to do.

A New Chapter

My novel is currently 81,625 words long. Which means that for the month of August I produced a total of 31,625 words. So…

The Bad News
I did not complete the Camp NaNoWriMo challenge. I came up 18,375 words short, to be exact. So while others in my cabin did cross that elusive 50,000 word finish line within the allotted 31 days I did not. *sad face*

The Good News
While I may not have completed the Camp challenge, I have gotten a significant jump on MY challenge: to finish this damned novel. My goal, after all, was to finish the novel in 2011 as part of my Big, Fun and Scary challenge for the year. I didn’t start out my challenge with specifics on how long it had to take or how long the finished product had to be. So I can still meet my personal challenge, and that’s far more important anyway.

This month was great for me in this regard because it got me doing what I need to do to finish the damned thing. First and foremost, it got me writing. Simply sitting down with the document and typing was a big deal for me after going so many months without even looking at the thing. And it wasn’t easy at first- I had forgotten a lot of what occurred during those first 50k words and I had to get back into the swing of things.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, it got me thinking about the story. My characters, their motives, the overall plot and what I wanted to accomplish. There are still a lot of things about this particular story that I don’t like and I’m pretty sure that should I ever permit myself to sit down and just read the whole thing I’d be pretty appalled at how far it is from any semblance of a finished product. But that doesn’t matter. What matters for me, since I’m not a professional writer, is that I get something out of this whole crazy adventure. And spending my time thinking about my story has been the only source of enjoyment in this whole thing. I like having my own little world in which I’m building things. It’s a nice break from worrying about work, household chores, and other activities of daily living.

Third, it’s gotten me to start to think of myself as a writer. That may sound strange to you, reading this blog in which I- you know- write. But what you need to keep in mind is that I am the most self-critical person on the planet. As such, I judge myself very, very harshly and usually against other people whom I have no business comparing myself to. For example, some of the other truly amazing writers I am regularly exposed to in Flash Fridays. I look at what you guys do and am amazed and when I look at my stuff it always pales in comparison. So I can’t put myself in the same category- can’t call myself a writer.

But I’m realizing more and more that if being a writer is defined by the act of writing than having this inexplicable compulsion to write, by definition, makes me a writer. It doesn’t matter if I ever get what I would consider good (and keep in mind with my critical nature that’s probably impossible). And it doesn’t matter if I ever get recognized by anyone else. All that matters is that I’m writing.

I went to college originally in order to be a writer. That was my dream, to write the great American novel. Needless to say, it didn’t work out that way for me. And now, so many years after college, I have a full time job and a family and many, many tasks and other interests which take up my time on a daily basis and keep me from writing. And you know what I’m realizing for the first time? That’s ok. This doesn’t have to be anything other than what it is. And more over, pushing myself to make it that is just going to suck any fun out of it anyway.

So I’m releasing my expectations. And I know, like anything else, I’ll have to release them every time I sit down to write. But if I can do that I might just be able to enjoy this practice. I might be able to finish this novel, in my own time, without feeling guilty for having not pumped it out in a month. I might be able to post a Flash Friday story without thinking of how much worse it is in comparison to someone else’s. I might be able to write without any unrealistic expectation of what it means for me to be a writer.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Camp NaNoWriMo 2011

Well, it's official. The Camp NaNoWriMo site is up and running, I have created my user profile and most importantly I have made the commitment to do this thing come August. Now, I was a bit confused when I logged on because apparently you have the option of writing your novel in either July or August and some peeps have already started their crazy journey. Me? I had originally thought it started in August so I hadn't prepared for July. (Plus, some of the site's features won't be up and running until August so it works out.)

At any rate, since I now have less than a month to prepare for this frenzy of crazed typing and obsessing over my word count I will need some prep work to get ready. Last year, in prep for NaNo I did a month of dictionary words of the day and it turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself.

Not wanting to limit myself too much i'm not going to promise a month of words right now. I will, however, promise a post everyday from here until August. Both because I need to prep for camp and because I am massively behind on my post count for my 211 in 2011 challenge. Because I am not an endless source of fantastic ideas for stories many of these posts for the next month will be words of the day. But hopefully some of them will be worthwhile stories or fiction-y things. And maybe, just maybe, a very small few will actually be *gasp!* good. But i'm not making any promises.

Stay tuned!

2nd Dan

I don’t entirely know what to write about my test.  I could go into the gory details but that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone who might read this.  So instead, I’m just going to sum it all up by saying that I passed my test and come the promotion ceremony I will get my 2^nd stripe and be an honest-to-god 2^nd Dan.  And that’s awesome.

Tomorrow

Well, it’s tomorrow. The test, that is. And it sort of feels like the last day of work before a long break. Like before I go away for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and there’s lots to do at home (in those cases baking rather breaking, but still) and I have a hard time concentrating. I keep getting distracted with thoughts of whether or not I have all the supplies I need. If I still remember how to count in Korean. If my leg is healed enough from when I landed on it wrong. If there’s anything else I can or should be doing to prepare myself.

But when it comes down to it, there’s nothing that will take place before 6pm tomorrow that will make or beak this test for me. And I’m trying desperately to remind myself that I’ve got everything I need to kick ass.

For me personally the hardest part of the test will be tomorrow night. Actually making the breaks- that’s probably the biggest fear. Going through all the forms without messing up a single move. Getting my trail leg off the ground for the jump spinning kicks. Remembering the Korean words for the verbal test, remembering the hierarchy of forms for the written test. Reading the movements of my attacker correctly for knife defense. That’s all the stuff that gets graded, and that’s where I’m most nervous about messing up.

Saturday, the hell part, in my mind is relatively simple. It’s just a decision- don’t stop. If you have to puke, puke. If you’re going to pass out, pass out. If you’re going to face plant cause you can’t hold yourself upright anymore then face plant- just don’t stop. Not that that’s easy- but it’s a far simpler concept to grasp than remembering everything I have to remember and doing all the movements correctly. Plus, they change the hell part a little every year so as to prevent the upper Dans from knowing what’s coming, so there’s no real way to prepare for it anyway.

I keep telling myself, in my head, that I KNOW that I’ll do great. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, no fear. But you can’t help but be nervous before such a test and I’m trying to cut myself some slack in that way. So I forgive myself for that jittery feeling in my stomach and the fact that my attention span seems to be that of a gnat today. Maybe it’s not nervousness- maybe I’m just revving up.

Big, Fun and Scary 2011 Update

So, back in 2010 when I was a few hours from ringing in the new year I came up with a list of things to accomplish in 2011. Seeing as it is now the sixth month of 2011 and I will be approaching the half way point of the year at the end of the month, I figured an update was in order.

1) 211 IN 2011! Status Update: Still a long way to go.

I started out doing pretty well on this goal. There were a variety of reasons for that. In January and February I was so disgusted with my job that I honestly didn’t care about getting much work done, so I spent a decent amount of time writing stories for the blog rather than, you know, working. I have to say, reading that last sentence is pretty harsh cause I’m not big on slacking off at work, in general. My work ethic is closer to the strong end of the spectrum than the weak one and I can’t do much non-work related activities at work without feeling guilty. So I still feel pretty guilty for the slacking I did.

Ahem, at any rate, after I left the job from hell I had my epiphany and that brought a new focus to the foreground. That new focus, as you know, is self acceptance. Now, you may wonder why a focus on self acceptance would prevent me from writing rather than encourage me to write. I’ll explain.

Writing, in spite of my grandiose dreams, sometimes half-way decent ideas and incredibly rare successful executions is still, for the most part, an exercise in torture for me. I still agonize over how far the finished product is from what I envisioned it to be. I still beat myself up mercilessly when the story doesn’t flow like I wanted. I still analyze and critique my productions so harshly that I often feel like I’ve been kicked around by Chuck Norris. Needless to say, hating myself for my failings as a writer and loving myself unconditionally are sort-of at odds with each other.

So, rather than allow my normal self destruction to force me to write more I’ve been working on accepting NOT writing. Working on having it be enough to just go to work, do my job, come home and take care of my dog and get to whatever my after work activity is for the day (like karate). Working on not concluding that I am useless if I don’t write something for the day. Working on not panicking, not stressing myself, not feeling crappy all the time (all emotions that tend to accompany writing, for me.) And just working on having it be ok for me to be whatever I am without the pressure of being a writer.

Now, I’m still writing so obviously I haven’t given up on it yet. In fact, I am hopeful that as I get better at this whole self acceptance thing writing will become a less torturous process. Others have suggested that if I get better at being calm, centered and loving of myself I may even unlock a capacity in my brain far greater than what I’ve been able to utilize thus far. That, without the restraints of the static-y, white-noise thoughts that almost constantly clog my usual level of thinking I will be able to unlock an ability for creative thinking that I’ve never experienced thus far.

I find that idea pretty damned exciting. I’m not there yet, obviously. I’m no where even close. But I’d like to think that’s where I’m headed as I get better at quieting my thoughts and listening to ideas that come from an integration of heart and mind.

In the mean time, I will work on writing with as little restraint as I can manage. I will work on accepting ideas and just getting them out rather than shooting them down before they’ve even started to germinate. I will allow myself to write non-fiction without concluding that my opinion is unwanted and unwelcome to anyone who may read it. I will use the word of the day to jot down a mini-story about something if I can’t think of anything better. And I will shut off the damned tv more often so I can better manage my free time and actually create the space in which to write. Stay tuned.

2) I WILL GET A BETTER JOB! Status Update: Big ‘ol checkmark!

I’ve written about my new job before now so you know what a welcome change it was. It is, a month in, lacking the luster it originally had when I first started but still the happiest I’ve been at work in many, many years. The actual work has not renewed a passion for my profession, but I didn’t really allow myself to hope for that. The level of paperwork and rapidity with which it must get done is definitely stressful. There are some days when I have a hard time remaining calm and professional in the face of straightforward craziness from clients.

BUT, I still love my office, I still thoroughly enjoy eating lunch with my coworkers who I still like and respect and I still love the general atmosphere of my company. (They had an employee health fair a couple of weeks ago where I got a free massage, metabolism boosting smoothie and a buttload of free gifts from local vendors. I’ve NEVER worked at a company that cared enough about its employees to do stuff like that. That, in and off itself, makes this the best job I’ve had in my adult life.)

So, although I still feel like long –term I would be better off finding a new profession, I’m not in any rush to jump ship on what is a damned good job, all things considered. And there hasn’t been a single second where I regreted quitting my last one, regardless of how seemingly irresponsible it was to do so at the time.

3) I WILL FINISH MY NOVEL. Status Update: Uh, yeah… No.

Boy, I hate that I have absolutely no progress to report on this one. The guilt and the self hatred and all those other emotions still linger so close to the surface when I’m not consciously working on being grounded and present. BUT, as I said, self acceptance is taking a higher precedence than writing right now, so I refuse to beat myself up for this. It is June, yes. But it is just June- not December. I have time yet. And, I have an idea as to how I might get a jump start on achieving this goal.

NaNoWriMo is hosting a summer-themed “Camp NaNoWriMo” this summer, I believe in August. The website isn’t up yet but they’re currently hosting a fund-raising drive to gather the necessary monetary funds to power the site and once the collections are complete more info is supposed to start hitting my inbox. (BTW, if you want Camp NaNoWriMo to come into existence you can help them towards this goal by going here.)

Now, one of the rules of NaNoWriMo is that you don’t use a novel you’ve already started because it will ruin your ability to write with abandon. They say you’ll be too attached to the characters and too committed to the pre-existing plot outline to have fun throwing caution to the wind and just letting it go. Well, at the risk of being banned from the club of hard-core NaNo enthusiasts I’m going to try it anyway. If it blows up in my face then purists who wouldn’t dare deviate from the rules can laugh at me. But I think it’ll work, or at least give me the best shot I can get, and I’m gonna try it. Stay tuned.

4) I WILL TRAIN, TEST AND BE AWARDED 2nd DAN IN TUNG SOO DO! Status Update: Tick-tock.

My 2nd Dan test is little more than two weeks away. Two weeks!!! And oh, the butterflies that erupt in my stomach when I think about it. Have I been running? Yes, but not nearly as often as I planned to. Have I been training? Yes, and overall I’d say I’ve done pretty well in terms of getting to every class I reasonably could (save for Thursdays). Have I been doing all the exercises I could and should to best prepare myself for this? No, definitely not.

BUT, in spite of my less-than-perfect training schedule to this point I remain confident that I will do well on this test. Why? Because failure simply isn’t an option. In my mind where I’ve been consciously working on controlling my normally out-of-control thoughts I have noticed distinct changes in terms of how I approach karate.

Like when I have two boards in front of me that I must break for the test, and I keep failing to break those boards with my double front and my mind kicks in with those millions of self-hating thoughts about how my lack of ability to do this signifies a failure of monumental proportions in terms of my overall existence. I have, thanks to the work I’ve been doing, been able to shut up that voice, tap into my heart which believes in me, and try again. And if I don’t make it, I nurture the belief that I will be able to if I keep trying. In the past, those self-hating thoughts would dominate, I would freak out, and become so panicked inside that I wouldn’t even be able to take another shot. Now? Now I feel a calm inside, and I hear a voice telling me that I CAN do this. Now I KNOW, deep down in my gut, that I will do well on this test. Cause I believe in myself in a way that I haven’t ever before. Stay tuned.

5) I WILL GROW. Status Update: Yes!!! Yes, I have, and I am and I will most definitely continue to.

Seeing as I’ve already been writing so much on this topic I won’t take up any more of the page going into details I’ve already discussed. But I will say that I feel confident, for the first time in my entire life, that this new path that I’m on can lead me to where I want to be if I continue to work on it. I believe in my core that I WILL become a better person. One who genuinely loves themselves, handles stress and the crap that life throws at us with resolve rather than panic, and who changes in positive ways from this work. And I can honestly say that I’ve already seen more growth in myself, just in these past few months, than I’ve seen in years. So yes, I’m putting a big check-mark on this even though I’m still in the process. Cause, technically, I always will be.

Learning to Love Myself

It is Tuesday afternoon. Late Tuesday afternoon. Early evening, really. And I am sitting in my living room, laptop sitting on its namesake, listening to the 40’s station. The Andrews Sisters, telling me that the Rhumboogie is a killer. I believe them, they’ve never steered me wrong before.

My heart, or whatever that thing is that lives deep down inside of me which I’ve ignored for so long and am now working desperately hard to nurse back to health, is perfectly happy with this scene. Let the rain fall outside, let the chores get done later- this is right. That part of me is perfectly happy sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and doesn’t need to be doing productive things to feel good.

My head, loudmouth that it is, is telling me that I should be job searching. It’s week two of being unemployed and I haven’t gotten a job offer yet from any of those places I thought were sure to offer me a job by now. My head reminds me that money will get tight, that my boyfriend will start to resent me, that if I’m not working I should at the very least clean the house or something.

My heart and head are fighting as they have been doing daily since I got back in touch with my heart (or whatever it’s called). So I strike a compromise. I haven’t written in… oh, entirely long too long for it to be good for me. My writing Yoda is probably wondering if I’m just going to nix the whole blog again. I have been berating myself as is my norm. No one, I assume, is happy about the lack of writing around here.

So here I am, writing. It’s not a short story, which part of me thinks it should be. It’s not even fiction which, again, gets higher billing in my mind than journal-type entries like this. It’s more honest than I should be on a blog that could be read by any psycho in the world (that’s my head talking, again). It’s not productive.

But I’ve been finding, since getting back in touch with myself, that productive is not necessarily good. I’ve spent most of my adult life up to this point with the constant need to do something so I can reason why I’m worthwhile. I’ve never- not since I was a kid and didn’t have this densely intellectual, judgmental voice in my head- been able to be content just being. I’ve always, always, always had to do something in order to even have the potential to feel worthwhile.

My heart, it turns out, has always been capable of feeling content by just being. In fact, that it is when it is most content, or at least when I hear its contentness the loudest. But my head cut the mic down there so long ago that it’s been the only internal voice I’ve had any dealings with for longer than I can remember. And my head wants me doing something, all the time. And if I don’t do anything it comes up with a billion reasons why I should feel guilty, and then eventually it blows up into a whole harangue about why I’m a bad person.

Anyway, my point is, my head is an asshole. It intellectualizes, and analyzes and reasons me out of any sense of self worth. And it does it so well that I actually lost the ability to hear anything else. But lately I’ve been forcing my head to shut the hell up which is NOT easy. But when my head stops, I can actually hear my heart. And my heart, amazingly enough, is not only alive and well but has quite a lot of good things to say about me.


My heart is calm. It knows that I will get a job eventually and it sees absolutely no point on freaking out which my head desperately wants to do. My heart is happy with where I am in my life, it trusts that my boyfriend loves me dearly, that my friends are true gifts which I appreciate for all their worth and who also love me dearly, that my life is playing out as it meant to and thinking is not going to do anything to speed up the process. My heart wants me on this couch, with the 40’s station playing in the background, typing the afternoon away.

And my heart, I’ve realized, is desperately in need of same basic TLC. If I could cook up a big, steaming bowl of my dad’s homemade chicken noodle soup (the greatest dinner in existence) and give it to my heart I would. But my heart isn’t a physical thing. I’m not sure what kind of a thing it is. I think it might be a spiritual one but I’m not sure. One way or another, I can’t feed it my dad’s homemade chicken noodle soup even though that would probably be the most nurturing thing I could possibly give it.

But my head learned a long a time ago what my heart needed. It just never did it very well. What my heart needs is some good old fashioned self affirmations. My head hates those, thinks they’re hokey and new-agey and ridiculous marketing ploys for people more pathetic than I and keeps thinking of Stewart Smalley sitting in front of the mirror going “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh-darnit, people like me.” (My head is the most judgmental thing on the planet, in case you couldn’t tell). So in the spirit of compromise I won’t write those.

But I will write about some other stuff. Through the years, in spite of my head, I have learned to not only accept but *gasp* actually like some aspects of myself. (Love is still a bit too strong of a word but I think like is a very good start.) And I think it would be good for my heart to write about them.

I will make the disclaimer that I have not cornered the market on any of these behaviors, quirks, traits, characteristics or whatever they are. I have no doubt that there are many other people on the planet who do these things, have these personality traits, think this way. But I’m coming to understand that the specific combination of all these is part of what make me me. This particular package, with it’s add-ons and wears and tears, is me. Unique, genuine, and- god forbid I say it- special. I spit in the face of Tyler Durden’s wisdom when I say that I am a beautiful and unique snowflake.

And with that in mind, I give you a new mini-series: Learning to Love Myself. Stay tuned.

Light

Today is my last day at my job. After a year of bemoaning my existence and my victim-hood of being stuck in such a horrible, soul-sucking job I finally did the unthinkable: I resigned. Without another job in place, without any clear idea of what would happen to me after that last paycheck, without any real handhold to grab onto before letting go.

I grew up with the understanding that quitting a job, unless it was to go to another job that you already had a written offer from, was just not something that responsible people do. I thought that people who held jobs outside of offices with the general 9 to 5 schedule were cut from material so different than that of my creation that I couldn’t possibly relate, and shouldn’t try to.

At the risk of taking the analogy too far, I thought that life was like a game of Monopoly. You may make deals and create your own rules for some minor things (like how to distribute the tax money- did anyone else play by the “Free Parking wins it all” rule?), but for the most part the rules are set. They were written before you got there, they haven’t changed all that much over the years, and although you and your particular co-gamers may make some minor changes you’re basically playing the same game as everybody else.

Well, having had my entire understanding of life blow up in my face, and now with a year of life telling me pretty directly that it doesn’t give a rat’s ass what my plans are I can now say that I am finally seeing things ‘outside the box’. Or, at least not picking up the instruction manual anymore when people do things that don’t fit the rules.

How do I know that I’m seeing things differently? Because, as I said, today is my last day of work. Real, paycheck coming in direct deposit, health insurance helping me to afford to see my endocrinologist, rest assured that I can make mortgage work. And I don’t have another job lined up yet.

At this moment I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what’s coming next. And instead of paralyzing fear, or unimaginable despair, or even good old-fashioned panic I am feeling freedom. FREEDOM. Not excitement, not anticipation, not anything that you might feel if you knew there was something coming up the pike and you really believed it was good.

No, I feel freedom. The kind of feeling you get from not knowing- not even being able to formulate a hypothesis or assumption- what’s coming up. Having not experienced this particular feeling very often (I can think of two other occasions in my entire life, in fact), it’s pretty weird. This lightness in my chest is so drastically different from the heavy weight I usually feel.

I hear bad news and I don’t panic, or even startle. I just sit back and go “Ok, then.” There are a million little thoughts and worries and judgments that normally speed through my mind like a tornado that I’m just not thinking right now.

Instead, I listen to the radio and sing along out loud and off key without caring. I laugh- at whatever. Just because. I find my lips twitching in a suspiciously smile-like motion as I think of that silly Youtube video I just watched or that thing my puppy did.

I’m not naive enough to think that this wonderfully freeing sensation will last, and I’m completely prepared for those feelings of fear, panic and dread to return. My only hope is that when they do I won’t judge myself for having them or conclude that they’re back to stay. My only wish is that I can release them instead, and let the light return. Go back to being at peace with not knowing.

And for now? Now I’m just grateful that I have this feeling, for however long it lasts.

Another 211 in 2011 Update

So, another month, another bunch of posts. Fewer than last month- but there were significantly fewer days in this month so i'm trying not to beat myself up too hard for it. If I can pound out 18 or more this month I should still be in pretty good shape. And given that there should be significant changes coming up the pike this month I should have much to write about, even if it is true.

First off, the puppy is coming. He's coming in only three weeks! I can't beleive it! We visited him this Sunday and- wow. Seriously- WOW. As cute he was when he was a couple weeks old he was a billion times cuter this time around. Seriously- he looks like a teddy bear! And, as if that isn't squeal-worthy enough, he spent the entire time happily chewing on our fingers. (He and his littermates are teething so they're chewing on EVERYTHING right now!) And let me tell those of you who haven't experienced it- there are few things in this world cuter than a puppy that looks like a teddy bear happily noming your fingers. (None that I know of.) So yes, there will be discussion of the unimaganably, life-changing wonderfulness that is the puppy when he comes home.

Secondly, God willing, I will be changing jobs this month. One way or another I have decided that I can't take anymore of this place and i'm handing in my resignation. And if karma and positive energy and significant student loans spent on a rather exstensive education count for anything at all I will get a new job to take it's place. And if I don't? Then i'll probably have even more to write about cause i'll be job searching every single day in preparation for this current job's end. One way or another- something's gonna give. That's gotta send the brain in the direction of some interesting topics.

And, if all else fails I will dig out my old writing books that i first purchased back in high school and start doing the writing prompts. I can't promise that will produce anything worthwhile, but I can promise it will produce something new. And if college couldn't teach me to write badly and just deal with it than forcing myself to pound out 211 entries will! Let the sucking begin! (Or- er- continue.)

211 in 2011 Update

Hey!

It’s me, Bev. You know- the crazy writer who runs this thing. It feels odd, even now, referring to myself as a writer. But the blog and the NaNoWriMos and the new twitter account and the constant thought that “I should be writing right now” must be symptoms of the disorder, right? Might as well refer to myself as a member of the club.

First off, to those of you who have read something- anything- posted so far this year: thank you! Your comments have been read and appreciated more than any sane person could possibly appreciate them. (I am not saddled with the strain of being sane, so I can appreciate them far more.)

Secondly, to those who haven’t read: why am I talking to you? You don’t even bother to read this crap!

Thirdly, as an update to anyone who is at all interested in how I’m doing with my challenge: well, the number of posts so far should tell you. If I were to go about things in a standardized, regulated method (like the tortoise) I should have written at least 16 posts for January. I made it out with 17. So, that’s actually right on track, surprisingly.

It feels like I’ve written far less than I’m supposed to. Afterall, there’s only 11 months left in the year, right? And the year will inevitably throw a lot of things at me that could easily derail my writing plans. It seems that if there were ever a time to build a healthy buffer it’d be now.

What’s the problem, you ask? Simple- the same boring, redundant, painfully repetitive problem that always interferes: my inner citric. The voice that pops up and tells me the idea-ish thought that I have is either entirely too stupid to write, or entirely too good to be written well by me (because I’m not capable of that) and squashes it before it’s even had the chance to build into a real idea. Yes, that is the source of all my neuroses and it has plagued my conscious thought since my earliest memory.

Wise friends of mine who are capable of far more impressive feats of creativity than I say that it is important to keep a squeaky mallet on hand to beat that little voice into submission. I don’t seem to have an internal squeaky mallet. I can use logic to argue with the voice- but a debate is not an instant quashing like I need.

How do I plan to solve this? Well, I don’t know. I’d love some ideas, though. So, I’m hereby opening up a suggestion box for you to utilize on the blog. (See it? It's up at the top right under countdown!) In it, I will be accepting personal feedback (though comments are still deeply appreciated), suggestions for how to kill that inner critic in my head or stories of how you fight yours, writing challenges and/or any and all ideas you may have for stories you think I should write.

And as grateful as I am for your comments I will be equally grateful for your input. Possibly more so. In fact, I might take your input out to dinner. I might drop a roofie into your input’s drink when it’s not looking. I might do dirty, dirty things to it when it’s unconscious. I will most certainly be grateful. So start dropping those suggestions!

Big, Fun, and Scary 2011!

Hello all!

Well, i've had my month off after the challenge on WriMo and given my fingers a rest (outside of work and regular e-mail, at least).  I can't say the time off has brought any great revelations, but at least the prospect of returning to my novel and the blog isn't terribly overwhelming.

Speaking of WriMo, a few years back those at the office of letters and light decided to challenge NaNo participants  to challenge themselves with a list of big, fun and/or scary things they wanted to accomplish in the coming year.  Both as a way to re-energize after a month off and as a possible way to motivate those who needed it after such a month.  I myself am always wanting for motivation, at least when it comes to activities that don't involve playing silly video games whilst eating terrible junk food, and am taking that challenge myself.

So, without further ado I give you my own personal Big, Fun and Scary Adventure!

1)  211 IN 2011!!!  Yes, that's right- I hereby swear to write no less than 211 blog entries for the year!
I thought about going for the official blog a day challenge, especially given a friend's recent success with completing a picture a day for her blog.  But then I thought 'what if work sucks my soul out that day?' and 'what if i'm really sick and can't get out of bed?' and 'what if I just really, REALLY don't want to write that day?'  I'd like to say that no excuse is valid but i've let far less real reasons prevent me from getting on the keyboard in the past so I didn't want to set myself up for failure.  So, 211.  I will still have to write very frequently (at minimum 4 times a week and then some) but if I miss a day here and there I won't fail.  I figure it's a hell of a lot better than I've done thus far and it may prove to be a good warm up to daily bloging.  We'll see.
Oh, and for those of you interested in seeing more flash fiction I promise that MANY of those 211 days will be Fridays!

2)  I WILL GET A BETTER JOB!  This is far more important to me than to you but it affects all of us in that me getting out of my current soul sucking position could (and should) lead to a happier Bev.  A happier Bev may well be a more creative Bev.  A more creative Bev will most certainly be a writing Bev.  See?
Now, ideally, I will use my new "What Color is Your Parachute?" and whatnot books to find a new job in a new field.  But even if I just end up with something different as I figure it out, that's what i''m counting on.  Don't know where i'll end up, not making any guesses- just know that i'm getting out of my current shit hole and into something better.

3)  I WILL FINISH MY NOVEL.  That's right, you heard me: finish it!  I left Factin's Story collecting virtual dust on my hard drive despite the knowledge that there was far more of the story to be told.  I will not do that to this year's novel.  I will finish it.  No idea how long it will ultimately end up being, no idea how long the process will take, and no idea when I will begin the long and arduous process of revising the monster- BUT I WILL!  As it pertains to writing in general I will certainly discuss my progress from time to time and may even post excerpts.  I have no definitive plans so far as that goes.  I just know that I demand that I finish the story before NaNoWriMo 2011- and I will!

4)  I WILL TRAIN, TEST AND BE AWARDED 2nd DAN IN TUNG SOO DO!  For those of you who don't know me, I take karate.  I received my first Dan (first degree in layman's terms) in 2009 and will be testing for 2nd Dan in June of 2011.  2nd Dan, needless to say, will be that much harder than first Dan was.  Which means I must train that much harder to succeed.  This is my challenge to actually run, do the push ups, strengthen the muscles, perfect the breaks and generally prepare for the biggest physical challenge I've yet pursued.  I hereby promise that I will push myself.  And I will train.  And I will test.  And I will earn my 2nd Dan!

5)  I WILL GROW.  This probably sounds pretty vague and it is.  Without going into any details this year has been a source of seemingly never-ending challenges (not good ones like these) and it has left me operating at less than my best for quite some time.  I understand that the coming year will undoubtedly throw some more challenges my way.  Ones that, like those of this year, I don't expect, I don't want and don't know if I can handle.  I know that.  But my challenge is to not fight it but to accept the things I encounter as more challenges to face up to and surpass.  More opportunities to improve rather than tests of will.  More arenas where I can become a better person rather than slipping back into the same old negative habits.  I have nothing against messing up.  I have nothing against messing up BIG, even.  All I want is to mess up differently and better than I have in the past.  To use the new schemas I'm forming to navigate with a few less bumps and a tiny bit more grace.  I'm sure that sounds like a tall order and it is- but I'm not asking for perfection.  I'm simply asking for improvement.  I know what that is for me, and I will be the judge.  But growth.

Wish me luck!

(and keep reading...)