Thursday, December 31, 2015

Reflections and Predictions

As I was meditating this morning (a practice that, after years of saying "I should do that" I've finally gotten myself to start doing consistently) I was thinking about this blog post.  What I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, how the hell to sum up such an astoundingly life-changing year for me.  I realized I couldn't possibly.  But then something else occurred to me: I don't have to.

Because it's not about ending.  Not really.  It's about the path itself.  It's about being in the thick of it and reveling in every step along the way.  One of those many things I've heard and even touted for years that is now finally truly taking hold in my understanding: it's not the destination but the journey that matters.  I am on the journey.  And it's amazing.

It's not that I've found God (though of course, that awe-inspiring realization is utterly soul-shaking in and of itself)- it's that I've finally developed a sustainable relationship with God.  It's not that I've found myself, even- it's that I've finally figured out how to honestly love myself.  It's everything; all things.  And it's going to go on for the rest of my life.

If I'm not making sense to you I apologize.  Actually, I don't.  I'm done apologizing.  I've been apologizing my whole damned life.  And, while we're on it, I've been criticizing myself my whole damned life.  I've been cynical and judgmental and dismissive my whole damned life.  And I'm done with it.  I'm done setting up barriers to keep everything out.  It's time to let it all in.

Not just God.  Not just love.  Not just understanding and passion and connection- but the whole wide universe.  All of it.  I'm letting it all in.  And I'm giving it a good, honest look- without judgement, without criticism, and certainly without dismissal.  I'm soaking it in, for real.

Needless to say, I'm a completely different person.  It's not that I'm unrecognizable- everything that's happened has led me here, after all.  But I am incredibly different.  And people have seen it.

My best friend who, despite being my cheerleader through so many of my greatest accomplishments has had to deal with quite a lot of negativity through the years, telling me how much better she likes me now that we're on the same wavelength about so many more things.  (Thank you, Kelly!)  My work wife who not only held the door open for me but fielded questions and freak-outs and endless "holy shit!' revelations along the way.  (Thank you, Jen!)  My friend who I haven't seen in a loooooong time but instantly remarked upon seeing me how much my energy has changed.  (Thank you, Jemma!)  All my yoga classmates who week after week have cheered and roared with excitement as I came out with things they've never heard me say before and express sentiments that only a short time ago would have been ridiculous to me.  (Thank you Olivia, Suzanne, Tracey, Gisette, Ericka, Jen, and Lauren!)  My yoga teacher who week after week has coaxed out and welcomed the new wilder, crazier, truer version of myself into the world.  (Thank you, Danielle!)  All the other amazing folks who listen and watch and reassure me that I am on exactly the right path.  (Thank you Susan, Phyllis, Nessa, John, and Mom!)  Countless others...

It has been a life changing year.  And I anticipate the coming year to be even more so.  Not in the large milestones way, though of course there will be some of those.  But in the small, daily instances of awareness: here.  Now.  Aware.  And grateful.    Welcome, 2016.  I am ready.