She could drive herself crazy thinking about it, thinking about anything other than this moment. And she would have, a year ago- hell, even six months ago. She'd have spreadsheets and graphs and have analyzed each and every way it could go wrong to calculate the percentage, the likelihood of failure. Now the mere thought of such a reaction exhausted her, and she exhaled it like a rotten taste in her mouth. Bleh.
She didn't hesitate as she mounted the first step, simply handed the ticket to the driver, smiled and greeted him with a genuine, heartfelt "Hello!"
He looked up at her, as if awakened from a snooze. He studied her face for a just a second, and upon seeing genuine warmth there a smile lit up his own face, pulling the edges of his lips up and revealing old, yellow teeth.
She paused, for just a split second, refusing to rush a genuine contact with another soul. It was one of many practices she'd integrated into her life, and one of many reasons she was boarding this bus now. No fear, no more hiding, just living.
He nodded at her and she widened her smile briefly before turning to walk down the aisle. She sat herself down by a window, her one creature comfort for the trip, and settled in.
And as the other passengers filed on and stashed their bags and sodas and seated themselves she breathed in the wonder of it all. Not where she was going, or even what would happen once she was there, but just the simple awareness of the moment. The knowledge of being right there on that bus. And she felt an awe for the gratitude she could feel for such a simple thing as a ticket.
Showing posts with label Gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gratitude. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Loved
I've been prone to isolation in the past. When life really sucked, when I felt too weak to deal with the emotional turmoil, when I couldn't face it I would just block it all out. It felt like a protective mechanism at the time but in hindsight it only made it worse.
Now I'm a different person. And today I was able to let myself be fully supported by some of the most magnificent women I've ever had the privilege to meet. I felt like I completely and utterly fell apart and was held and loved by women who inspire me in every way possible. I've never had that before.
So even in the midst of pain, there is reason to be grateful. Even in the darkness there is abundant light and love. And today seems like the perfect time to be aware of how incredibly lucky I am to have the worlds best support system.
Now I'm a different person. And today I was able to let myself be fully supported by some of the most magnificent women I've ever had the privilege to meet. I felt like I completely and utterly fell apart and was held and loved by women who inspire me in every way possible. I've never had that before.
So even in the midst of pain, there is reason to be grateful. Even in the darkness there is abundant light and love. And today seems like the perfect time to be aware of how incredibly lucky I am to have the worlds best support system.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Real-Life Angels
I've been through this process before, many times now. And it's eerily familiar in so many ways. The panicked way of living with late nights, early mornings and little sleep in between. The frenzied feeling of never having enough hours in the day. The self-empowering little talks followed by the defeated hopelessness. The sinking sensation in your skin, muscles, bones and even breath. Like even your body is closing in on you.
But here's what I've never experienced before: angels coming to my rescue. Laughing, joking, singing, snarling, complaining and insanely validating angels helping me by doing the work I think I should be able to do myself (and have always had to do myself in the past because no one else was there.) There were two of them today and they came without specific request. Without being told by someone else, without being compelled by money or a desire to show off for someone who might grant them position or status in payment. They came because they genuinely believe in team work- the kind of selflessness so often advocated but so rarely seen in real life.
And as I worked my insanely long work day with them there keeping my insanity at bay with their constant stream of ridiculous jokes, loving teases, sing-along-to-pandora loveliness I realized: angels do exist.
But here's what I've never experienced before: angels coming to my rescue. Laughing, joking, singing, snarling, complaining and insanely validating angels helping me by doing the work I think I should be able to do myself (and have always had to do myself in the past because no one else was there.) There were two of them today and they came without specific request. Without being told by someone else, without being compelled by money or a desire to show off for someone who might grant them position or status in payment. They came because they genuinely believe in team work- the kind of selflessness so often advocated but so rarely seen in real life.
And as I worked my insanely long work day with them there keeping my insanity at bay with their constant stream of ridiculous jokes, loving teases, sing-along-to-pandora loveliness I realized: angels do exist.
Friday, January 22, 2016
The Seeker- Part 7
And she was glad- he wasn't what she expected. Tattoos covered his arms, legs and neck. His hair was long and unruly and oddly colored. He didn't have the wise, old eyes of a guru- he had the young, wild eyes of a child. And rather than the traditional somber robes of the archetype he had rainbow colored pants and a tank top that read "Wild Thing." She smirked at herself for thinking he'd be anything different.
"Hey," he said- obscenely casual for such an austere setting. "How can I help you?"
She sat down before him, assuming her best posture.
"Hey, relax," he said as he himself leaned back on a pillow.
She raised an eyebrow but followed, and her back seemed to explode with gratitude for allowing it to finally rest. "Thank you."
He looked at her with those wide, wild eyes and waited. She steadied herself with a breath, and then began:
"I am seeking vidya. I've been lost in my life, tried so many different things trying to change who I was and I need your help." There, she'd started. Her journey could truly begin.
"Do you?" he asked, the same smirk pulling up the corners of his mouth.
"Excuse me?" she asked, irritation creeping into her voice instantly.
"I said, 'Do you?" he said, as if she meant she hadn't heard him. But the look on his face said that she had and the incredulous expression on hers begged clarification, so he continued. "It's not easy to get here."
"I know!" she yelled, then instantly shrank back in embarrassment.
"No, no- it's ok. There's anger in there, you had to go through the fire. It's cool," he said, sitting up and leaning forward. "But that's the whole point- you came here. You faced the fire and the water and the earth. You breathed the air and listened to the howling wind and saw the light up here- crazy, isn't it?"
She sensed it was a rhetorical question so she said nothing. But his eager look told her he was looking for an answer.
"Yes, it was- " and she thought about it then, really thought. Of everything she'd faced, everything she'd sensed, every change she'd surrendered herself to. "Yes- it's been a wild ride." And she smiled then, because it really had been.
"Yeah, there you go- it doesn't have to be such a strict ritual. Seeing is just a state of being, really. It's just getting out of your own way and living. It's not what you think it will be, it never is."
And this she heard, this rang true. "Now we're getting somewhere," she thought.
"Your problem isn't you- it's never been you. The reason you've been lost is because you've been seeking outside when you needed to look within."
She startled- was he saying he wasn't going to teach her anything? That she'd traveled all this way for nothing?
"I can see that fire again," he laughed. "That's a good thing- but listen. You have what you need within. You can meditate and study and listen to the wise, old gurus all you want. But the lessons you need to learn are already inside of you. You already have what you seek, you just need to get out of your own way."
~
Walking out of the great hall and away from yet another false prophet she felt angrier than she ever had. So much energy, so much time, so many challenges and for what? To be told that she already knew everything? Maddening!
She stormed back to the entrance, past the meditating people, past the rituals and reflections and stopped to pick up her pack.
And then the wind picked up again. It breathed through her hair, across her skin and down her spine. She felt the moisture of the snow and the warmth of the sun. She breathed it in again and her fire cooled. Her shadow retreated.
And she looked up. Out at the sun and the air and the landscape, and saw the most breathtaking view she'd ever seen. She saw the great forest where she'd descended into the earth through ancient roots. She saw the lake that led to the underground cave where she bathed and moved with freedom. She saw the field of fire and the leap she'd taken and remembered the promise she'd made to herself. She saw the fields where the villagers had farmed and remembered the love she'd felt for everything, all things. She looked out from the top of the mountain and felt the air roaring with the life, saw the light of the sun illuminating the whole world. And she was overcome by such overwhelming gratitude that it brought her to her knees.
And there she wept. She wept with love, wept with light, wept with God in her very sobs. And when she quieted she realized what he had meant. Look within. Breathe. Move and love and feel and steady and leap and cry and see and believe. All within, and without. No separation, no disconnection. Just be.
"Oh," she said to herself. And laughed.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
The Seeker- Part 4
When her feet touched down on the other side and her knees buckled under her weight she felt as though she had passed a point of no return in her journey. As she stepped forward and worked out the shock from her heels she promised herself that she would not succumb to doubt again, that she would trust that inner voice when it told her where to go, no matter how frightening the prospect. She left the blackened clearing behind, vowing to simply listen and trust.
Her path took her up into the mountain range she'd seen from the distance, at the top of which dwelt the person she sought. As she climbed the path the scenery around her erupted with life and her eyes beheld vast fields exploding with plants and food from the nutrient-rich soil. It was a reminder of how the amazingly destructive power of the lava she'd leapt across could give life to so many things not seen at the source.
She watched as farmers tended those crops, as villagers in the nearby collective cooked them and consumed them, as children danced around the fire where their dinner steamed and grew stronger because of its sustenance. It was all part of the whole: all valuable, all sacred.
She had an epiphany then, looking out over the life and lives that all relied upon each other. She realized that she too was whole and that that shadow she'd spent so long fighting and hating was a part of that. All of her was valuable. All of her was sacred. And while she may find herself getting unbalanced at times- while the darker parts of her may have spoken too loudly while the lighter parts were ignored- all of those parts were still a part of her whole. She was not broken, not lacking, not a thing to be fixed. She was beautiful.
She felt a growing sensation of warmth and radiant light growing in her chest as she thought these things. And she felt that energy spreading far beyond the confines of her own body; connecting her not only to the fields and the plants and the animals and the people nearby but back to her family and friends and everyone she had ever held dear- everyone she would ever hold dear. She realized that she, like the beautiful system of life surrounding her, was intricately and infinitely connected. Not only was she whole within herself, but she was part of a greater whole that was sustained, fed and rejuvenated by love.
She closed her eyes and breathed then, content for the moment in just being. Without moving forward, without doing anything. She felt light and love in the very air around her: the wind whipping across the fields and up the mountain, the breath in her lungs. She felt boundless and free.
She didn't know how long she stayed there. It seemed like an eternity and an instant all at once. But as she resumed her long walk she did so with love in every step.
Her path took her up into the mountain range she'd seen from the distance, at the top of which dwelt the person she sought. As she climbed the path the scenery around her erupted with life and her eyes beheld vast fields exploding with plants and food from the nutrient-rich soil. It was a reminder of how the amazingly destructive power of the lava she'd leapt across could give life to so many things not seen at the source.
She watched as farmers tended those crops, as villagers in the nearby collective cooked them and consumed them, as children danced around the fire where their dinner steamed and grew stronger because of its sustenance. It was all part of the whole: all valuable, all sacred.
She had an epiphany then, looking out over the life and lives that all relied upon each other. She realized that she too was whole and that that shadow she'd spent so long fighting and hating was a part of that. All of her was valuable. All of her was sacred. And while she may find herself getting unbalanced at times- while the darker parts of her may have spoken too loudly while the lighter parts were ignored- all of those parts were still a part of her whole. She was not broken, not lacking, not a thing to be fixed. She was beautiful.
She felt a growing sensation of warmth and radiant light growing in her chest as she thought these things. And she felt that energy spreading far beyond the confines of her own body; connecting her not only to the fields and the plants and the animals and the people nearby but back to her family and friends and everyone she had ever held dear- everyone she would ever hold dear. She realized that she, like the beautiful system of life surrounding her, was intricately and infinitely connected. Not only was she whole within herself, but she was part of a greater whole that was sustained, fed and rejuvenated by love.
She closed her eyes and breathed then, content for the moment in just being. Without moving forward, without doing anything. She felt light and love in the very air around her: the wind whipping across the fields and up the mountain, the breath in her lungs. She felt boundless and free.
She didn't know how long she stayed there. It seemed like an eternity and an instant all at once. But as she resumed her long walk she did so with love in every step.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Gatekeeper of the Heart
It feels weird to have the title of "Reiki Master" after such a short time learning and practicing. Like I'm claiming a role I can't fill yet. But I guess that's the whole point- yet.
In martial arts they say that achieving black belt is the beginning of your training. I guess this is the same thing- my journey officially begins today. I can't even begin to imagine where it will lead me...
Saturday, January 16, 2016
The Seeker- Part 2
"Just be here," she found herself saying when fear crept into her mind.
After what seemed like a long time her fingers began to slide over the surface of jagged rock. At first sharp edges would poke out from the soil in intermittent crevices. As she continued on the surface transitioned to hard, smooth stone. She followed it ever downward, the stone becoming wet and slippery as she moved on.
Soon the sound of water entered her ears- a dripping as if she was entering a cavern. The wet droplets echoed off the stone walls as she picked her way ever so slowly down. Then a light began to reflect off the wet surfaces. At first she thought she'd been in darkness so long her mind was playing tricks on her. But as she crept further down it grew. The dripping turned into a constant sound and as she listened she heard a heavy rush of water coming from beyond.
Before long the walls of narrow passage widened and she found herself entering a large cave that stretched high up to the surface where a small opening allowed sunlight and the rushing torrent of water through. She stared at the waterfall and found herself mesmerized by the glistening surface of the lake it splashed into to.
She searched for a way around the edges of the underground lake but found nothing but steep walls of rock stretching upward on both sides. She waded just a little ways in until she spotted a shore on the far end of the massive cave. She stopped then, fear once again grasping her heart. Would she be able to swim? What if her pack weighed her down- she could drown there.
But again she breathed, and again trust returned. The same steady voice that he led her down gave her the next step: "Swim."
She stepped out into the deeper water and stretched her arms over the crystalline surface. The liquid was surprisingly warm and felt amazing sliding over her skin. She let go then, her body moving without effort, her mind marveling at how easily she glided. It was as if the world had wanted her here, had been calling her for years. She reveled in it: the sensation, the sound, the fluid movement. A million emotions seemed to wash over her as she swam past the waterfall to the far side- emotions that had laid dormant inside of her for longer than she realized.
It was here that she confronted another lie that had led her actions for so long: the belief that her emotions made her weak. That the very things that could guide her so fluidly through life somehow made her less than those she admired for their intellect and stony, steadfast appearance. But here in this space it seemed that everything she 'd derided herself for feeling was finally set free.
She was glad to to finally succumb to them, glad to finally give up the fruitless fight. She made a promise to remember the feeling and the freedom that came from allowing herself to fully experience it. And she vowed to never again stifle what was authentic within her.
And as she slowly climbed the far shore of the cave she looked back out at the great lake she had just crossed and said a prayer of gratitude to everything that brought her there.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Always
What the hell is going on this week? Everyone is still reeling from Bowie and now Alan? I'm devastated.
It's hard to put into words what a heartache I'm feeling at this moment. Like many others, I wasn't obsessed with Rickman until he took on and brought to brilliant life the character of Snape from the Harry Potter series- even though I had seen him and even loved him in so many other films before that point.
To say that Rickman was a brilliant actor is a massive understatement- he gave visceral performances. I can't remember a single scene where I didn't want to either punch him or madly and passionately embrace him. His performances made you feel and that's a rare commodity in the world of entertainment.
And he knew it- he knew that he had something special to work with and he took that as a very serious responsibility. He's quoted as saying “Talent is an accident of genes, and a responsibility.” He used his genes very well giving performances that will be remembered forever.
It's like I said on Monday: when someone gives of themselves that completely, inhabits a performance that fully- the world is a better place for it. He's been quoted as saying “Actors are agents of change. A film, a piece of theater, a piece of music, or a book can make a difference. It can change the world.” Alan Rickman changed the world.
There's so many moments- a pause, a lilt of the voice, a look that only he could deliver. And they permanently lodged themselves in my heart. I'll think about them years, decades later. My voice will catch in my throat as I talk about them- what they meant to me, how completely they effected me.
It's going to be happening all day: people will be finding out. They will be shedding tears. They will be telling stories and tales about the first time they saw him, or how brilliant he was in this, or how hard it hit them when they saw him do this or that. And people who knew him will be giving first hand accounts about what he was like- who he actually was, what he cared about, why he championed the causes he did. So I won't repeat here what will be said by others better informed than I.
But I must say this:
When I am much older, sitting in my rocking chair watching that scene from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II (for the millionth time) and crying like a baby and my family asks me "After all this time?" I will say "Always."
Always, Alan Rickman. Always.
Thank you.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Insecure Writer's Support Group: Bev is Back!
Big thanks to this month's awesome hosts L.G. Keltner, Denise Covey, Sheri Larsen, J.Q. Rose, Chemist Ken, and Michelle Wallace!
A little while ago (read: New Year's) I set a goal for myself. It's a rather lofty goal and while I've only been doing it for a few days I'm already thinking it's the right call. In spite of all the unexpected interruptions that will undoubtedly make it challenging I'm thinking it's just the fire I needed to get cooking again. Here's the goal: write everyday for a year. 366 days (because of course I had to do this thing on a leap year!), 366 posts on this blog. That's it.
I didn't set any other limitations on it than that. Obviously, I'm hoping this will inspire a lot of fiction. That's the whole point of the exercise. But 366 is a lot and I'm not expecting myself to be a writing machine. So there's gonna be a lot of non-fiction, too. Memoir-style entries, book reviews, blog hops (like this one), thoughts about this crazy, life-altering yoga journey I'm on and a whole lot of other random and not easily categorized things. No rules, no limitations, just writing.
And I have to say, it's going pretty well so far. I've been pulling ideas out of these writing exercise books by Brian Kiteley. The 3am Epiphany and the 4am Breakthrough. They're gold mines for weird, introspective, deep, silly, intellectual and insanely creative prompts and there's a lot of knowledge about the art form in the pages. It's getting the creative juices flowing and getting my fingers typing and after such a long time without that this has been a big buoy to me.
But, credit where credit is due: I am the one writing. And I'd like to think that maybe one of the most fundamental lessons about writing is finally starting to sink in: you gotta write crap. Stupid, incomplete, unpolished, insane, unintelligible and just plain terrible crap. Why? Because that's the manure the good ideas grow in. That's where you plant the seeds for the brilliant bursts of life that grow and blossom and bloom into amazing works of art.
I've been hearing this a lot: creativity is like giving birth. It's painful and super messy but in the end you wind up with something awe-inspiringly beautiful that's going to grow in ways you can't yet imagine.
I've been told these things for years. I've been encouraged to give myself the gift of wild and reckless writing since as far back as I can remember- my earliest writing workshops in high school. But I never got it, I never understood how you could let your work out there when it turned out so differently than that perfect idea you had in your head. So for most of my life my inner critic ruled the nest and I edited myself so severely I nearly lost my voice altogether.
But I'm done with that. I'm saying it with confidence now- DONE. No more quieting that crazy, creative voice. No more editing to the point of having nothing left. No more judging and criticizing and scrapping my messy never-goona-win-a-pulitzer stories. I'm letting them out. Out of my head, out into the world. And it feels good.
Yes, there's still a part of me that says "oh this is terrible" every time I read through what I've written. But there's a louder, stronger part of me now that says "GOOD!" and slams down the "Publish" button with fierce, unbridled excitement. Yes, it probably is terrible. But boy if something wonderful isn't gonna come out of it.
So that's where I am today. Less insecure than I've ever been. Happy about finally writing again. Bursting with ideas and tappy-tappy-tapping away on my keyboard like a two year old with a toy piano. And all because I'm finally doing what i've been told to do for years: just write. That's all.
It's finally sinking in.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Reflections and Predictions
As I was meditating this morning (a practice that, after years of saying "I should do that" I've finally gotten myself to start doing consistently) I was thinking about this blog post. What I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, how the hell to sum up such an astoundingly life-changing year for me. I realized I couldn't possibly. But then something else occurred to me: I don't have to.
Because it's not about ending. Not really. It's about the path itself. It's about being in the thick of it and reveling in every step along the way. One of those many things I've heard and even touted for years that is now finally truly taking hold in my understanding: it's not the destination but the journey that matters. I am on the journey. And it's amazing.
It's not that I've found God (though of course, that awe-inspiring realization is utterly soul-shaking in and of itself)- it's that I've finally developed a sustainable relationship with God. It's not that I've found myself, even- it's that I've finally figured out how to honestly love myself. It's everything; all things. And it's going to go on for the rest of my life.
If I'm not making sense to you I apologize. Actually, I don't. I'm done apologizing. I've been apologizing my whole damned life. And, while we're on it, I've been criticizing myself my whole damned life. I've been cynical and judgmental and dismissive my whole damned life. And I'm done with it. I'm done setting up barriers to keep everything out. It's time to let it all in.
Not just God. Not just love. Not just understanding and passion and connection- but the whole wide universe. All of it. I'm letting it all in. And I'm giving it a good, honest look- without judgement, without criticism, and certainly without dismissal. I'm soaking it in, for real.
Needless to say, I'm a completely different person. It's not that I'm unrecognizable- everything that's happened has led me here, after all. But I am incredibly different. And people have seen it.
My best friend who, despite being my cheerleader through so many of my greatest accomplishments has had to deal with quite a lot of negativity through the years, telling me how much better she likes me now that we're on the same wavelength about so many more things. (Thank you, Kelly!) My work wife who not only held the door open for me but fielded questions and freak-outs and endless "holy shit!' revelations along the way. (Thank you, Jen!) My friend who I haven't seen in a loooooong time but instantly remarked upon seeing me how much my energy has changed. (Thank you, Jemma!) All my yoga classmates who week after week have cheered and roared with excitement as I came out with things they've never heard me say before and express sentiments that only a short time ago would have been ridiculous to me. (Thank you Olivia, Suzanne, Tracey, Gisette, Ericka, Jen, and Lauren!) My yoga teacher who week after week has coaxed out and welcomed the new wilder, crazier, truer version of myself into the world. (Thank you, Danielle!) All the other amazing folks who listen and watch and reassure me that I am on exactly the right path. (Thank you Susan, Phyllis, Nessa, John, and Mom!) Countless others...
It has been a life changing year. And I anticipate the coming year to be even more so. Not in the large milestones way, though of course there will be some of those. But in the small, daily instances of awareness: here. Now. Aware. And grateful. Welcome, 2016. I am ready.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Random Stream of Consciousness Entry (And Gratitude)
Today is Friday which for some us (the more organized variety) means Celebrating the Small Things. I originally thought I would do the same but realized that this isn't really that kind of entry- that's just not where my head is. This is a stream of consciousness kind-of entry. A no holds-barred, explosion of neuroses, here's all the crazy stuff in my head at the moment kind-of entry. And needless to say it's more for me than it is for anyone else (so no harm done if you feel like skipping it)- I just need to write.
I'm thinking a million things all at once, feeling a million impulses all at once, being pulled in a million different directions. I want to write- novels, poems, epic tales of heroes winning their own private battles with themselves. I want to sign up for NaNoWriMo next month and knock a beautiful, fully expressed story out of the park (as if it ever works out that way). I want to finally write up at least twenty stories I've had in my head or in various stages of being written down but still desperately needing editing and post them all here. I want to join a writing group and publish an anthology. I want to submerse myself in the madness of creativity and surrender to everything that comes.
I want to finally get caught up at the damned office. File all those papers, write up all those notes, finish the endless deluge of paperwork from every admission and discharge and supervision note. I want to shut off my phone and my e-mail and just get it all done. And I want to catch up on my freaking mandated marketing- phone calls and e-mails and invitations to link up at future networking events. I want to get on management's ass about my training and getting it scheduled so I can prove how useful I am. I want to return every phone call, every e-mail, every missed "oh I was supposed to.." there is. And I want no time at all to pass during this magical process so I have time to do what I really want to do.
I want to breathe in the ecstasy of fall. To forget about phones and television and traffic and simply exist. In a deep forest where the sunlight barely penetrates the trees, in a thick pine grove where the scent is intoxicating, in a field where the wind whips through your hair and across the surface of your skin, in a pumpkin patch where the smell of dirt and growth and harvest is all you can think about. I want to forget about reality and connect with the earth so I too can be pulled along in this amazing transition.
I want my soul to run free. To burst forth from my body and touch every single living being on the planet. True connection, organic ties, transcendence. I want to leave behind thought and tasks and to-do lists and become one with the ether- the stuff that we cannot see or measure or understand using logical thought but which still exists everywhere, for infinity. I want to forget every single little thing that keeps me a neurotic mess and just be light and free and whole.
I want to sleep. I want to read. I want to run. I want to paint. I want to pay all my bills and balance all my duties and still have time left over for crazy, unbridled creativity. And everyday, in small and large ways, I feel like I'm failing. I get small moments- this morning's yoga class where I forgot about everything for one second and just breathed. That instance where you realize that you knocked a whole lot of things off your to-do list within a relatively small period of time because you got lost in the frenzy of work. The quiet pauses where you're so immersed in something you forget about everything else that isn't that. I do have those. But not often enough, not long enough, not sustainable enough to calm this unquenchable thirst I have. I'm scratching the surface when I want to drown.
I know that these feelings aren't necessarily unusual- but the work I'm doing in my yoga training is making everything boil over. I'm like a volcano that has lain dormant for centuries finally erupting and I don't know when it's all going to cool down. I know that this is part of the process, and I do trust the process. But damned if I don't feel like I'm on the verge of completely losing my marbles. It's wonderful and infuriating all at the same time. And, as is so often the case, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.
And that's what I'm grateful for today.
For More Organized thoughts check out the Celebrate The Small Things Linky:
I'm thinking a million things all at once, feeling a million impulses all at once, being pulled in a million different directions. I want to write- novels, poems, epic tales of heroes winning their own private battles with themselves. I want to sign up for NaNoWriMo next month and knock a beautiful, fully expressed story out of the park (as if it ever works out that way). I want to finally write up at least twenty stories I've had in my head or in various stages of being written down but still desperately needing editing and post them all here. I want to join a writing group and publish an anthology. I want to submerse myself in the madness of creativity and surrender to everything that comes.
I want to finally get caught up at the damned office. File all those papers, write up all those notes, finish the endless deluge of paperwork from every admission and discharge and supervision note. I want to shut off my phone and my e-mail and just get it all done. And I want to catch up on my freaking mandated marketing- phone calls and e-mails and invitations to link up at future networking events. I want to get on management's ass about my training and getting it scheduled so I can prove how useful I am. I want to return every phone call, every e-mail, every missed "oh I was supposed to.." there is. And I want no time at all to pass during this magical process so I have time to do what I really want to do.
I want to breathe in the ecstasy of fall. To forget about phones and television and traffic and simply exist. In a deep forest where the sunlight barely penetrates the trees, in a thick pine grove where the scent is intoxicating, in a field where the wind whips through your hair and across the surface of your skin, in a pumpkin patch where the smell of dirt and growth and harvest is all you can think about. I want to forget about reality and connect with the earth so I too can be pulled along in this amazing transition.
I want my soul to run free. To burst forth from my body and touch every single living being on the planet. True connection, organic ties, transcendence. I want to leave behind thought and tasks and to-do lists and become one with the ether- the stuff that we cannot see or measure or understand using logical thought but which still exists everywhere, for infinity. I want to forget every single little thing that keeps me a neurotic mess and just be light and free and whole.
I want to sleep. I want to read. I want to run. I want to paint. I want to pay all my bills and balance all my duties and still have time left over for crazy, unbridled creativity. And everyday, in small and large ways, I feel like I'm failing. I get small moments- this morning's yoga class where I forgot about everything for one second and just breathed. That instance where you realize that you knocked a whole lot of things off your to-do list within a relatively small period of time because you got lost in the frenzy of work. The quiet pauses where you're so immersed in something you forget about everything else that isn't that. I do have those. But not often enough, not long enough, not sustainable enough to calm this unquenchable thirst I have. I'm scratching the surface when I want to drown.
I know that these feelings aren't necessarily unusual- but the work I'm doing in my yoga training is making everything boil over. I'm like a volcano that has lain dormant for centuries finally erupting and I don't know when it's all going to cool down. I know that this is part of the process, and I do trust the process. But damned if I don't feel like I'm on the verge of completely losing my marbles. It's wonderful and infuriating all at the same time. And, as is so often the case, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.
And that's what I'm grateful for today.
For More Organized thoughts check out the Celebrate The Small Things Linky:
Friday, September 4, 2015
Celebrate the Small Things- Can you believe it's September already?!?
It seems trite to even apologize for my long absence at this point as it's become the norm around here. Suffice it to say that all the distractions I've spoken of before- yoga, work, etc are still at the fore front and thus I'm just not much of a blogger nowadays. While I sometimes experience guilt thinking of all of you amazing folks out there who are posting all the time and the fact that I'm not visiting you regularly I have to own the fact that my mind simply isn't there nowadays. We all have closeness and distance, periods of hyperactivity and lulls. I'm in a lull so far as blogging goes but I know someday that will change. Until then, a few small words from me to serve as an update and a wish that all of you are doing well and will forgive my absence when I do return to more activity.
Running- I went for my first run since the accident this past Wednesday and I'm pretty confident that I am fully and officially healed. It was just a mile around my neighborhood but it felt amazing and two days later I'm still pain free with no signs of swelling or residual issues. Of course I'm already chomping at the bit to try to ramp up my distance again since there may still be a chance for me to do the October half marathon I signed up for earlier in the year but I've promised way too many people to take it slow to not go one mile at a time. Either way, I am so incredibly grateful to be well again and to anyone who sent prayers/healing thoughts and positive energy my way I am eternally grateful to you!
Yoga- It's sort of hard for me to express in words how life-altering this training is for me. A lot of the concepts I'm studying and attempting to implement on a daily basis are ineffable. Suffice it to say that I'm thinking differently. I'm feeling differently. I'm reacting differently. I'm seeing things differently. My entire world view, concept of myself, understanding of life, the universe and everything is changing. And it is awe-inspiringly wonderful. At some point I will write- probably quite a lot- about this for anyone who is interested. For now, just know that this is where my energy is (which is why it's not here) and that that is a really, really good thing.
Thanks for stopping by, reading, and being the awesome folks you all are!
Friday, July 24, 2015
Celebrate the Small Things (with pictures!)- July 24
Once again, I've been out-of-commission so far as this blog goes (save a for a book review). I've heard other people talk about the difference between "writers" and "seasonal writers". Writers, from what I understand, write every day. Whether they want to or not, whether inspiration strikes or not, even if they have to drag themselves kicking and screaming to the keyboard- they write. I am clearly not that kind-of writer. At least not at this point in my life.
Seasonal writers, they say, go through fits and bursts- times of insanely high productivity where the thoughts flow out of them so quickly their fingers can barely keep up and other times when the well dries up and the computer gathers dust. That seems to be me. Other passions, other practices have firmly taken the reins so far as time and commitment. I have to be ok with that for now.
Yoga- My number one passion, practice and focus at the moment. I have been diving deeper and deeper into this new-found lifestyle and I'm loving it. Everything I was saying earlier still applies and I'm trying not to get overwhelmed by how much there is to learn (not surprising with a 5,000 year-old discipline). There's so much reading, so much note-taking and journaling about the process and how I react to it (so I am still writing, just not here) and so much--- just so much. The one big thing I wanted to share is that I finally painted the cover of my yoga journal and I have to say that I was thrilled with how it came out.
I haven't painted anything in so long I can't remember and this week, after writing in it for almost two months, I finally got out my lovely watercolors (given to me several Christmases ago) and painted. At least 20 times during the process I thought "This is horrible! I should paint it all black and start again!" But I pushed those thoughts away and kept painting and in the end I came out with something I'm really proud of. It represents- to me- all the elements: earth, air, fire, water and ether- in various forms and fits the spirit of the journal and the whole process I'm in. (Plus it's puuurrrty ^_^) If any of you artistically inclined folks want a really special journal then go out and get yourself a canvas-covered one. Totally worth it.
Healing- On July 11th I was SUPPOSED to run in the Pottstown half marathon. In preparation for that, I planned to do my long run in Valley Forge park.
A story: July 4th, I'm running in the park when I get hit by a bike. Both the bicyclist and myself go flying and land in the (thankfully soft) mud. His friends who were riding with him all stop and rush over to inspect us and make sure we're ok. He's absolutely fine, just a little embarrassed. I seem to be- there's no cuts or wounds and the only sign of injury is a little tire burn on my right leg. I stand up, take a look around, walk a couple steps and conclude that everything is fine. I walk back to my car feeling pissed off that it happened but concluding that I'll just do the run tomorrow (since I only got a little under 5 miles in out of my planned 13).
Over the course of that day, my leg starts to swell. Not just the calf muscle where I got hit but everything south of there- my ankle, my foot, all of it. By that evening I'm barely able to put any weight on it and my limp is so bad I can barely get around my house. I'm getting the distinct impression that my dream of running the Pottstown half is about to be crushed.
Monday I go to the doctor. She doesn't seem all that concerned. She tells me to put an ace bandage on it, try to stay off of it, and when I do start running to start off with something small- like 2 miles. Based on the fact that I can hobble around on it it doesn't seem to be broken, but she gives me a script to get an x-ray just in case it doesn't start to feel better by the end of the week. She announces, as if it's really obvious, that I will not be running any half marathon that weekend. When I get back to the car I let myself finally cry like I'd wanted to when I first got the idea that my run was doomed. Training that hard and psyching yourself up for something only to have a freak accident a week before ruin everything is a pretty big blow.
I'm thinking I don't want to go and wait 45 minutes to get an x-ray that's just going to tell me what I already know- nothing's broken. (My logic being that the doctor would be much more concerned and I wouldn't be able to walk at all if that were the case.) So I just get the ace bandage and go back to work.
Over the course of that week the bruising gets MUCH worse and the swelling doesn't go down. My walking doesn't improve any, either. After hearing three different stories from people who knew someone who walked around on a broken or fractured leg or foot for a week or more before they finally got an x-ray that showed breakage I finally agreed to go get the x-ray.
She prescribes an air cast and physical therapy and tells me- in no uncertain terms- that it will be a LONG time before I'm able to run again and when I do start I'm gonna want to do a lot less then 2 miles. (Well, at least she's taking it seriously.)
Fast forward to today and I am walking with absolutely no limp thanks to the air cast and only a slight one when I take it off. The swelling is almost completely gone and the bruising is doing that lovely rainbow coloring that looks nasty but lets you know it's healing.
I'm also feeling, to bring it back to the theme, insanely grateful. It shouldn't take injuries like this to make me so acutely aware of how damned lucky I am to walk, run and do everything else I can do without much difficulty. Hobbling around these past three weeks has made me think so much more about how difficult it must be to walk down a hallway, get into or out of a car, go to the supermarket- hell, even get on and off the toilet- when you're disabled. I'm going to be back up to snuff in relatively short order while so many others never get that back and I am aware that I am really, REALLY lucky for that. So if there is a silver lining to all this it's that it's reminded me of my many gifts- and that's a never a bad thing to be reminded of.
Happy to no longer be hopping- because I can actually walk now! But you can all still hop for fun.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Celebrate the Small Things- How is it July Already?!?
So a month ago, I got really excited about posting again and I formulated all these big ideas in my mind about stories and blog hops and everything else. As evidenced by the fact that it has been more than a month since I've posted anything I completely and totally failed to bring any of those ideas to fruition. Sigh. It's a CONSTANT theme in my life- there simply aren't enough hours in the day.
But, I have been keeping busy...
Yoga- So I told you all that I signed up to start a year long yoga teacher's training last time I wrote. I officially started on June 14th. It has surpassed all of wildest expectations for what it could be- and it did even in the first class. I'd been looking for something for a while- informally for years, formally for the last year or so. And I knew, in a general manner, what I was looking for. And the search took me to some different places- none of which were really meeting my needs. When I heard about this class it sounded like everything I was looking for. Well, it was EXACTLY what I was looking for.
My mind is blown every time, I feel fed after every class, full after every class. And yet, true to the stories, I leave each time with more questions than I had when I walked in. I am learning how to love myself. I am learning how to be a woman. I am learning how to see God in every second of every day- both the infinitesimally small and the universally large occurrences of everyday. And yet, the paradox, I am more sure now that I know less than I ever did before. Like I said- mind blowing.
I am aware that this is an incredibly important, life-altering, searching, seeking time in my life. And I could not be more thrilled to be on this path. Yeah.
Running- I've still been sunning on a pretty regular basis and I'm gearing up for my second-ever half marathon next weekend. I have plans to log in a full 13.1 tomorrow so that come next week when my brain starts telling me that I can't I'll have concrete, recent evidence to say 'NO!'. (That's how it works for me- once my brain knows it's not in charge my body can go ahead and run.)
I've fallen into a bit of a pattern which I think is good because it allows my mind to wander more- I do the same loop of Valley Forge Park and because I don't have to think about where I'm going I can focus on seeing, feeling, smelling= being. I'm having a lot of Bhava moments (which we define as the moments in which you are most you, and thereby most in tune with the source) there and it's, again, feeding me.
Karate- Not surprisingly, this transformational mood I'm in has re-inspired my karate practice. I'm noticing so many links and themes and it seems like our master's own journey is taking him to similar places. He started investigating more Chinese-influenced systems a year or so ago in hopes of finding the true source of movement for a lot of broken form systems and it's led him to transition into teaching more fluid movement. Funnily enough, my home element is water. So I'm seeing water- fluid, heavy, smooth movement- EVERYWHERE now. And I'm teaching it more, and I'm seeking it more in my transitions and it's bringing up all the messages I'm getting from yoga so I'm having more of those mind-blowing moments.
We recently had our annual black belt test and for the first time I was put in a main role (along with the other third dans and masters) of running it. And then I was put in charge of running a Friday night class all by myself. (AAAAHHHH!) I'm a complete novice and I feel it in every instruction I give. But I'm trying to remind myself that that's exactly where I'm supposed to be- the awkward, messy, insecure starting point. The same messages, in every area of my life. Ain't it funny how truth works?
The area of my life that is NOT going well, and which is making me reach out more towards these things which feed me, is work. That whole "not enough hours in the day" thing it hitting me in the face every single flipping day. Not in the actual therapy- that's wonderful. But the paperwork is KILLING me and I haven't figured out how to handle it other than working longer hours, coming in on the weekends- all these things I DON'T want to do. (Which is why I'm going in today to do paperwork even though our office is closed.) I don't have an answer for this glaring gap in the otherwise exciting, transitioning landscape of my life. And although this isn't really an excuse for the lack of writing and reading that I got all excited to do earlier it is a reason for it. So I'm not going to make any promises about visiting everyone or posting every Friday. I will post when I can, comment as I can, and hope that I'm not being a bad blogger for it.
But for the moment I'm trying to focus on the progress- all those things I said above. Because that's nothing to sneeze at.
Celebrate The Small Things Linky:
My mind is blown every time, I feel fed after every class, full after every class. And yet, true to the stories, I leave each time with more questions than I had when I walked in. I am learning how to love myself. I am learning how to be a woman. I am learning how to see God in every second of every day- both the infinitesimally small and the universally large occurrences of everyday. And yet, the paradox, I am more sure now that I know less than I ever did before. Like I said- mind blowing.
I am aware that this is an incredibly important, life-altering, searching, seeking time in my life. And I could not be more thrilled to be on this path. Yeah.
Running- I've still been sunning on a pretty regular basis and I'm gearing up for my second-ever half marathon next weekend. I have plans to log in a full 13.1 tomorrow so that come next week when my brain starts telling me that I can't I'll have concrete, recent evidence to say 'NO!'. (That's how it works for me- once my brain knows it's not in charge my body can go ahead and run.)
I've fallen into a bit of a pattern which I think is good because it allows my mind to wander more- I do the same loop of Valley Forge Park and because I don't have to think about where I'm going I can focus on seeing, feeling, smelling= being. I'm having a lot of Bhava moments (which we define as the moments in which you are most you, and thereby most in tune with the source) there and it's, again, feeding me.
Karate- Not surprisingly, this transformational mood I'm in has re-inspired my karate practice. I'm noticing so many links and themes and it seems like our master's own journey is taking him to similar places. He started investigating more Chinese-influenced systems a year or so ago in hopes of finding the true source of movement for a lot of broken form systems and it's led him to transition into teaching more fluid movement. Funnily enough, my home element is water. So I'm seeing water- fluid, heavy, smooth movement- EVERYWHERE now. And I'm teaching it more, and I'm seeking it more in my transitions and it's bringing up all the messages I'm getting from yoga so I'm having more of those mind-blowing moments.
We recently had our annual black belt test and for the first time I was put in a main role (along with the other third dans and masters) of running it. And then I was put in charge of running a Friday night class all by myself. (AAAAHHHH!) I'm a complete novice and I feel it in every instruction I give. But I'm trying to remind myself that that's exactly where I'm supposed to be- the awkward, messy, insecure starting point. The same messages, in every area of my life. Ain't it funny how truth works?
The area of my life that is NOT going well, and which is making me reach out more towards these things which feed me, is work. That whole "not enough hours in the day" thing it hitting me in the face every single flipping day. Not in the actual therapy- that's wonderful. But the paperwork is KILLING me and I haven't figured out how to handle it other than working longer hours, coming in on the weekends- all these things I DON'T want to do. (Which is why I'm going in today to do paperwork even though our office is closed.) I don't have an answer for this glaring gap in the otherwise exciting, transitioning landscape of my life. And although this isn't really an excuse for the lack of writing and reading that I got all excited to do earlier it is a reason for it. So I'm not going to make any promises about visiting everyone or posting every Friday. I will post when I can, comment as I can, and hope that I'm not being a bad blogger for it.
But for the moment I'm trying to focus on the progress- all those things I said above. Because that's nothing to sneeze at.
Celebrate The Small Things Linky:
Friday, May 29, 2015
Celebrate the Small Things- The Triumphant Return!
Oh my goodness! So much is going on, I barely know where to start! First off, I'm sorry to anyone who enjoys hearing from me from having been so absent for so long. A LOT has been going on outside of the blog-o-sphere and while it's all good it will be made even better by me talking about it here and hearing from other awesome folks so I'm going to make a concerted effort to get on here more often to share the love with you all.
Now, the celebrations!
1) I'm going to be a presenter at a conference this fall! A couple of months ago we got an e-mail from corporate inviting us to submit a proposal to this organization for inclusion in a professional conference this fall. I think I may have been the only person in the whole company who actually took the time to draft a proposal but I was super psyched about it. Several weeks passed and I'd kind-of given up hope. Then, last Monday, I got the e-mail: my proposal was accepted!
In October I will be giving a presentation to folks in my field on the topic of co-occurring disorders. I've never been a professional presenter before even though I've been to a ton of these and to say I'm thrilled about it would be a massive understatement. Needless to say, I've got a TON of work to do before October but that doesn't remove my nearly head-asploding excitement about this. Yay!
2) I signed up for a year-long training to become a certified yoga teacher! I've been looking for something for a while to help me get in touch with my spiritual side and while I've always been attracted to the traditions of meditation and mindfulness I haven't engaged in much formal training. Well, a friend of mine is taking this training and she said it's changing her life so I contacted the instructor and got some more info and it sounded like EXACTLY what I've been searching for. So I signed up, made my deposit and am fully registered to start in a couple of weeks. I anticipate this being nothing short of transformational for me and I'm so eager to get started I can barely contain myself- it's gonna be one crazy, wonderful journey!
3) Still running! I've been doing this all along but race season started again in earnest a few months ago so I've been doing tons of 5Ks, a 5 miler, my first-ever 10-miler and I signed up to do my 2nd ever half marathon in July (which happens to be on the first anniversary of my first race)! I'm thrilled that running has become and remains such an important part of my life and I look forward to all that will come from this.
Big stuff in the life of Bev, and excited to hear what's going on with all of you!
Celebrate The Small Things Linky:
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