Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Brain Drive

The American Red Cross wants my blood. They sent me a brightly colored e-mail letting me know that enough time had passed since my last donation that I was eligible to donate again. That nice man Ira Rosenberg from the temple where I last donated called to let me know they were having another blood drive. A volunteer left me a voicemail saying that there was one located near my apartment this weekend. And they were all very nice.

And I’ve got good reason to respond. In addition to the thanks of the American Red Cross and the patients I will help, I’ll have the gratification of knowing that my blood could save a life. And I will be entered into a drawing for a $50 gas card. And I’ll receive a complimentary stainless-steel travel mug. Not to mention the free cookies, pretzels and juice I’ll get when I donate. Pretty nice incentive.

Now, I can’t help but wonder why other people can’t use this tactic. People like to get stuff for their efforts. That old expression, you catch a lot more bees with honey than vinegar. Employers get it, for the most part. Overtime for extra hours worked and, increasingly rarely, bonuses for high production. Non-profit agencies seem to get it: a tax break for giving in your old clunker or donating money to disaster victims. Hell, even parents get it: bribing their kids with toys, outings and sometimes even money for good grades. So why not, I have to wonder, Zombies?

I can tell you that if the American Red Cross invaded my neighborhood, broke down my door, strapped me down and stuck a needle in my arm I would not respond well. And if they did that to everyone else I knew I’d be pissed. And if the world as I knew it pretty much ended because they did that to everyone all over the world? Well, no wonder people hate Zombies. They’ve got it entirely wrong.

What they should do is send out e-mails to people letting them know they’re eligible. Let them know how many zombies will be saved from starvation thanks to them. Offer raffles for gas cards or other perks. Bribe them with cookies and juice. Come to their office or church or community center with a van and well-trained brain technicians who will make the process as quick and painless as possible. I gotta think they’d get a better response.

So on behalf of zombies everywhere I ask you to donate. Come on, you’re not using it anyway. Might as well give it to someone who really needs it, right?

The need is constant.  

The gratification is instant.  

Give brains.™

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