My Name is Bev

With so much of my belief system destroyed a lot of things I used to hold as truths about the world I live in have sort-of gone by the wayside. To sum it up in the bluntest way possible, I lost what little faith I had in humanity.

Don’t get me wrong- I never believed in changing the world. I don’t remember ever thinking that people- in the grand scheme of the word- were worth all that much. But I used to think that a person was worth everything, and I prided myself on changing the little bit of the world I could effect by helping a person.

That is the belief that, for the most part, went by the wayside when I had my little break down last year. I started thinking that a person- save the ones that were already cemented into my heart- were just as useless as people. And I stopped trying.

Well, I surprised myself today. I was outside shoveling and instead of stopping at the property line like I usually do, I kept going. See, I live in a townhouse. So one wall of our house is attached to my neighbor's and the two car drive way that spans the width of our house ends at the start of his- there’s no separation.

Usually our neighbor Tom is up at the crack of dawn, shoveling before our alarm clocks have even contemplated going off for the day. But today, for reasons I’m not aware of, when I got out there his car was gone and his walkway and driveway were still filled with snow. I didn’t think much of it when I first got out there.

But after I finished the sidewalk (we live in an end unit so we’re responsible for the length of sidewalk bordering our house), cleared out the bus stop for the kids, and made my way onto our driveway I surprised myself by continuing into his. At first I thought it wasn’t a big deal. But the whole thing took me a good two hours or so. Maybe more. Cause it’s a two car driveway, and it’s relatively long. But I did it- and his walkway too.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: big deal. You probably had to shovel out your neighbor’s walkway and driveway a billion times when you were a kid- because you were young and healthy and your old neighbor in her seventies was so sweet your mom wouldn’t let you think twice about not helping her.

But for me, a person who gave up on helping out her fellow mankind a while ago- this is sort of a big deal. I didn’t think I still had it in my to care that much.

Now, I can’t say I did it entirely selflessly. I always was a big believer in karma. But outside of giving blood, I sort-of gave up on that too. All of the shit hitting my proverbial fan last year led me to think that must be a bunch of hooey. But if today didn’t restore my faith in mankind (which it didn’t), it might’ve made me rethink karma.

I hope that something like karma, or energy, or whatever does actually make a difference in the messed up universe. Cause if it does I know exactly what I want to cash my karma points in for.