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Monday, March 21, 2016

The A to Z Challenge Theme Reveal

A to Z Challenge Theme Reveal 3-21-2016 

I'm going to skip the grand introduction (since I know we've all got quite a number of blogs to hop around to today) and just launch right into it.  My theme for this year's A to Z Challenge is: Yoga. 

Anyone's who's been to this blog pretty much at all in the past year knows that I am nearing the end of my 200 hr yoga teacher training (I graduate in May).  It's been a life altering journey for me in some planned and millions of more unplanned ways.  And I've learned A LOT.  What better way to end my year-long training than by touching on 26 topics of such a vast array of information.

Some of it will be straightforward non-fictional entries about the topic- things I've read, learned first hand, been told.  But a lot of it, perhaps even most of it, will be memoir-style entries talking about a specific lesson in my life and how it's changed me.  (So even if you have zero interest in yoga it might still be worth looking at if you like honest, meaningful stories.)

Yoga.  That's my theme.  I hope you all enjoy it.

And now hop along A to Z'ers!

39.
46.
55.
69.
80.
116.
165.
196.
204.
274.
308.
324.
347.
367.
376.
386.


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Sunday, March 20, 2016

Introducing the 2016 Bucket List

Today is significant.  It marks the first day of spring.  It's a day spent looking to the growing light as a sign of good things to come.  It represents fertility, possibility, newness in everything.  And of course, it's gotten me thinking.

I've been talking a lot lately about bucket list items.  About things I want to do now, in the future, in my life.  About reasons I have not to do these things.

I am more free than I have ever been and (likely) will ever be at any other point in my life.  No family at home, no responsibilities and requirements and rules and expectations.  Nothing, really, to say that I can't.  Nothing other than fear.

But here's the thing about fear- I'm fucking sick of it.  It's been ruling my life, my decisions, my expectations for the better part of my existence.  In the biggest way at home and my whole concept of identity.  So many things I didn't do because I believed- in my core- that I just wasn't that girl.  Leave those things to the daring ones, the brave ones, the reckless ones.  Leave me here in my safe stability with my wise choices and rational decisions.  Safe.  Such a bullshit idea.

So I've come up with a new list- a new selection of activities that I hadn't thought of at the beginning of the year- my life hadn't been flipped completely upside down back then.  These things are things I want to happen now- before life goes where I can't see it going yet, before I end up in a completely different place again.

1) Run a full marathon.  The Philadelphia marathon, specifically.  I did the half marathon in 2014 and it was, at that time, the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life.  I can't think of a better time to do something so crazy and brave as double that.

2) Go to Martha's Vineyard and Greece.  Both are yoga retreats, both are relatively expensive, both have the potential to be life altering in the best way possible.  Part of me is still thinking the old thoughts: this is not what responsible people do.  They don't spend their savings on vacations when their entire financial future is the most uncertain it's ever been, when their home life gets torn apart and they're emotionally wrecked.  But the other part- the part that is becoming- says why the hell not?  What real, valid excuse do I have now?  So yeah- I'm going.  And it's going to be amazing.

3) Publish something.  Probably just an article, probably not the next great American novel.  But still- something.  Writing here everyday isn't enough.  I want people to read my writing.  I want all these experiences and epiphanies and revelations to mean something to others.  I want my voice to be heard.  So, yeah.

4)  Sing.  A friend of mine plays guitar and said recently that he and his friend were looking for someone to jam with them.  I've never sung in public before.  I've auditioned, maybe twice, for musicals but I never thought myself very good and therefore never pursued it.  I haven't suddenly come to the conclusion that I'm a world class singer and the the world needs to hear my voice, but I would like to try actually singing.  Even just at a coffee house, even just for a few songs.  Just because it's a fear that's kept me from ever trying it- and this list is all about staring my fears in the eye and going 'that's bullshit'.

5)  Live, actually, truly, like it's my last day on earth.  Say yes to all the stuff I used to always say no to.  Try foods I've been too scared to try, go to places I've been too scared to go to, hang out with people I'd normally dismiss.  Like I said, I feel like this is a significant time in my life.  I'm an adult, I have enough money and wherewithall to do what I actually want to do (whereas I could only dream about that stuff when I was younger) and I have nothing in my life that would prevent form trying all this stuff out.

Freedom means nothing to lose, right?  Well after such a life-changing loss I am free.  And I'm going to act like it.
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Saturday, March 19, 2016

Lakshmi

Last fall I did a circle that asked us about authentic abundance.  We were told to look at our lives, how we lived them, what we spent our time/money/effort on.  And we were asked whether or not that matched what was truly important to us.

I thought about my home- the sterile environment where we watched tv more than anything else, the layout of the livingroom where that and the couch were the only things that stood out- no books, no color, no me.

I thought about my time- the bulk of it spent sitting in traffic while driving back and forth twice a day, everyday.  I thought about that feeling of being trapped in a car and being powerless to do anything about it.

I thought about my spirituality.  All these new ideas and beliefs changing my life, turning me into a better person, a better version of myself.  And I thought about how hard I had to work to hide that everyday.

It was one of those moments where things were illuminated clearly.  I couldn't ignore or deny anything.  I could, and did, believe I could change it while still keeping my life mostly as was, without disrupting everything.  I believed life could change in only the ways I wanted it to.

Now, on the other side of everything, things look very different.  I look at my home- or the apartment I'm slowly, gradually turning into home- and I see books and games and pictures and color.  I see a space where friends come over all the time for conversation and genuine connection.  I look at a space that is me in almost every way I can make it me.

I look at my time- walking back and forth to work, to yoga, to karate, to everywhere.  I look at the fact that I literally haven't touched my car in three days because i'm waling everywhere.  I look at the sun and the sky and the trees and the people walking their dogs down the street.  I look at how much I'm doing to take better care of the earth and I feel significantly better about myself as a human because of that.

I look at my spirituality.  Not only time spent engaged in circle, ritual, meditation, prayer, all of it.  But also at all the conversations I'm having every single day with people who see me and love me more because of all this.  How I'm literally wearing my beliefs on my sleeve and getting understanding and appreciation and respect for it.  How I'm not hiding, at all.

And I'm not saying that the heartache is gone, or that I won't be destroyed- possibly even tomorrow- by a memory or a doubt or fear that could floor me.  But I am saying that just for this moment it's kind-of nice to realize that so much of my life is more me.  It makes me think I might be on the right track with all this.    
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Friday, March 18, 2016

The Letter

She'd handwritten the whole thing just because it felt wrong not to.  It ended up being a lot shorter than she'd thought or wanted.  Apparently polishing off an entire bottle of wine by herself wasn't the best way to finally get over the hump and finish the damned thing.  Though she had finished it, and in the end she consoled herself that was enough.

She walked to the post office, grasping it in her hand, feeling her feet hitting the pavement and her heart beating out of her chest.  She could have just driven there- it would have taken her a third of the time.  But for the same reasons she couldn't type the letter she couldn't drive to the post office. This was a declaration, a decision, a powerful, important moment.  This meant something.

She held the folded paper and ink and stamped envelope up to the slot and paused.  For a second, the fear returned.  Words like "wrong" and feelings like fer and pain jumped to the surface.  Another one of those moments in an endless seas of moments lately that felt unreal.  Life didn't work like that- like this.

But she took a breath, pushed her feet into the ground beneath her and shoved her hand forward.  The letter slid into the slot and stuck, the tilt too great for it to topple over into the bin.  She pushed her fingers, hugging the lip with her pads.  The letter slid forward and down.  And it was done.

She breathed out, swaying slightly on her ever-so-firm feet.  It was a moment, no denying it.  It was a benchmark that would stand out in her story.  It was a letter.  And it was mailed.
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Thursday, March 17, 2016

Distraction

A friend recently reminded me that life can't be all self improvement.  All this conscious focusing on changing myself, not reacting to things the way I always do, catching myself feeling so damned sorry for myself I can scream and not giving into it is exhausting.  And perhaps there's nothing wrong with sitting on my ass, drinking a glass of wine and watching tv.
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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Bed

I've always slept alone, when I really think about it.  Sure, there'd be the mornings where I'd wake up and you'd be there- but it wasn't really what they mean when they say that.  Mornings are made for teeth-brushing and coffee making and dog walking.  Not lounging, and snuggling and sharing tales about the day.  And the kissing goodnight routine didn't make up for that.  Most nights, there wasn't even a ritual to goodnight- too tired, too dead to snuggle or kiss or talk.  So sleeping alone now isn't nearly as large of an adjustment as I thought it'd be.

In fact, it's better.  Because my furry little companion, my Buddy, sleeps with me now.  No longer confined to his little house where he'd sit alone trying to find comfort in the blankets left for him there he can now roam freely on that large, soft bed.  He comes and goes freely, without fear of being on furniture he's not allowed on, of tainting anything with his allergen-producing scent.  And when it comes time to turn out the lights he snuggles up next to me, his tiny little body warm and comforted by my shape and the covers he can freely settle into.  So really, when you think about it, I'm less alone now than I was before.
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