I'm understandably a bit of a mess here at the end of this. The prospect of not recapping my week every Thursday night. The prospect of Sunday coming up with no epic itinerary at the yoga studio. The prospect of these awe-inspiring women not being a regular, integral part of my life. It's frightening.
Our yoga teacher commented last night on how this group in particular has had each other's backs through a lot of shit. We've all been through some stuff throughout the course of this year and we all relied on each other to get through it. I can say for myself that I have absolutely no doubt that I wouldn't be where I am without these women. I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure I'd be back where I was, going on pretending everything was ok, scared and stuck and sightless to change it.
So looking out at life without that rock- my stable base, my net to catch me when I fall- is petrifying. Especially with so many new things starting. Embarking on the start of so much without them is more than I can take.
Which is why it's so incredibly comforting to know that I don't have to. Because these women with their strength and love that has comforted, nurtured, healed and lifted me are always with me.
This morning while I did my daily morning meditation I noticed something as I made my way through my seven chakras. They're in there! Without me even knowing it they've made their mark on these most important parts of me.
Down at the root, where I connect to Gaia and that stable home base I so desperately need, is Gisette with her earthy, free-flowing, sensual nature. Easy, thoughtless, comforting. I can picture her and feel her hugging me the same as I can feel the earth.
In my sacral chakra where water and creativity come from I sense Lauren with her quiet confidence and effortless sexuality. I can hear her voice and sense her willingness to move through the changes of life.
At my solar plexus where I connect with the sun I sense Jen- my fiery pitta who so loves planks and handstand push-ups. And without even knowing it I seem to have inherited some of her fierce strength and determination to break down the walls that I encounter.
At heart where my emotions well up and I try so hard to stay open to everyone without closing down from fear of being hurt again I sense Suzanne. Her wisdom, her courage to face down her own shadows, her fearless giving energy is in there. She's part of the foundation of my heart now.
At throat where I struggle to stay true to my voice I hear Olivia with her soulful song. "If I die with my song unsung it's nobody's fault but mine." I can and will sing without letting my fear silence me- because of her strength, her courage, and her love.
At third eye where my brain is housed I sense Ericka- not just her analytical intelligence, but her beliefs. Her many visions for herself and her path inspire me to follow mine and to dream big for my future.
And at crown where all the airy, windy energy lets loose I see and hear Tracey. I sense her freedom and her desire to connect outside the bounds of limited reality. And I am lifted by her weightlessness.
It wasn't intentional. I didn't meditate or visualize or perform any rituals to try to find permanent housing for these women in the map of my own energy field. I was aware that they were in there, certainly, but I had no idea they were so firmly seated.
I'm so glad they are. Because now I can go forward even without the physical meetings and regular check-ins on the calendar knowing that who we've been to each other throughout this journey has permanently changed me and that these women who I love with all of myself are part of me. Forever.
Thank you soul sisters. Tits to the wall!