Wouldn't it be nice if I wasn't a victim? If these things didn't happen to me or even because of me but if they just happened and I could respond well? If rather than hating myself for my perceived failures I could immediately tackle the problem head-on and take action?
I tend to be the most active when there is time to be excited. To envision and plan and create without someone looking over my shoulder. But in the midst of unspoken pressures and thankless effort it's hard to take the challenge as that, hard not to lay down and curl myself around my injuries.
I tell my clients to give themselves credit for the steps taken on the bad days. The tiny, inconsequential, barely observable steps. I tell them there's a certain kick-your-own-ass boot camp mentality to it. I say we have to roll up our sleeves and get to work. And yet I myself struggle with that so much. I see the failure, form the conclusion and wish nothing more than to retreat until the backlash has calmed down and I can lift my head from the sand.
But today, because of all the pressures that be, I took some steps. And no, of course not everything is solved- not even remotely. But the simple fact that I could possibly encounter a new and novel experience definitely made me think. What if instead of playing the victim I took action and responded- what mountains would I move then?