Thoughts on Gratitude

I’ve been thinking a lot this month about gratitude.  And it’s not just because of the holiday coming up next week.  (Though I admit it’s quite a coincidence.)  It’s because it’s the answer to all of my problems.

Let me back it up for a second.

I’ve always been prone to depression.  Upon reaching adulthood and looking back at the landscape of my youth I tried to convince myself than any feelings I’d had were the result of teen angst, the typical existential crisis that seems to be a textbook-described growing pain and family problems that I had no control over.  But as I grew I couldn’t shake the feelings- they would come back from time to time and leave me feeling a little lost.

And as much as my self esteem, general level of comfort with my life and overall participation in activities that make me feel alive have increased I am still sometimes plagued by discontent.

Forgive me for getting dogmatic on you, but I realize that this is due to the condition of wanting the Buddhists spoke so much of.  For example:

“I want a better paying job.  I want a bigger/nicer house.  I want a fantasy vacation to some exotic place I’ve never been to.  I want to be able to look like ‘insert name of awesome martial artist I train with here’ when I do a form (kata).  I want to publish a novel and have my own book tour around the blogosphere.”  And so on, and so on.

At any given time I can easily come up with a list of things that I want.  And they are definitely wants- you can’t have wants if all your basic needs are taken care of.  People who are starving to death don’t tend to complain about wanting things- they’re too busy starving.  So it goes without saying that I am already terribly, terribly lucky.

But the wants- they’re always there, lurking under the surface.  They come up when I compare myself to others.  The person showing off great pictures of the vacation they just took.  The co-worker who just excitedly gave their two weeks notice because they’re heading off to a higher paying job.  The blogging friend who just announced that their book is being published.  When I look at others and wonder why I don’t have the same things, I want.  And the more I compare, the more I want. 

Here’s the problem: The condition of wanting is never satisfied.  If you get what you want, what you’ve been fantasizing about, you just want more.  If I got the awesome vacation, I’d want to start planning the next one.  If I got the better paying job I’d be wanting to advance in the company.  You get the idea.

So if I spend my time wanting, I am just making it easier, more likely, for me to want.  (And hopefully it goes without saying that wanting is a really great way to feel miserably discontent with your life as is.)

So how can I fight this poisonous condition of wanting?  With gratitude, of course.

Gratitude implies acceptance of life as is.  It implies that you are content with the way things are.  You’re not comparing yourself to others and saying how unfair it is that you don’t have what they do.  You’re not going over the details of your life and saying “It should be better”.  You’re accepting- things are what they are.

But gratitude is a step way beyond acceptance.  It’s an acknowledgement that not only is your life exactly the way it’s supposed to be, it’s pretty damned good at that.  It’s a feeling that you’re occupying the exact spot you should be occupying in the universe.  That things are going the way they should.  That life, in spite of whatever headaches you may be dealing with at the moment, is good.

People who express gratitude tend to be a lot happier.  They tend to be humble.  They tend to go out of their way to help others.  There’s a reason that food drives and blanket drives and volunteer opportunities run rampant around this holiday.  It’s designed to remind us of how damned much we have to be grateful for.  And when we realize that, we think about how many other people don’t have what we enjoy.  The warm house, the great food, the love of family and friends.  We look around at those without and realize: wow, I’ve got nothing to complain about.

Gratitude.  It’s alters your perspective so drastically that you can’t help but feel like any problem or issue you’re facing is so incredibly inconsequential it’s not worth thinking about.  And even when you do face serious problems, it reminds you of how much you still have to be grateful for. 

It is the answer to all of my problems, because it makes me realize that I don’t really have any.

This is not a new realization for me.  And I doubt it is for most of you.  But boy, if I don’t need a reminder from time to time.  Because my brain constantly judges and find faults with things.  It’s programmed to.  And if I don’t consistently fight back by paying conscious attention to the things I have to be grateful for I can easily fall back into that trap.

So how can I invite gratitude into my thoughts?  I can spend some time with those less fortune.  Not just now, but year round.  I can stop complaining.  Easier said than done, I know- but boy if you want to make a bad mood worse, just spend some time complaining.  But the simplest and most effective thing I can do?  Just talk about it.

Giving thanks to the people in your life who make your life great- each and every time you talk to them.  Telling those who you love that you do love them, and that you are very aware of how incredibly lucky you are to have them in your life.  Making a list of everything you have going for you in your life (Celebrate the Small Things, anyone?)

Whenever I do these, I invite myself to be happy.  I invite myself to be content.  I invite myself to be at peace- in a deep, soul-ful way- with everything in my life.  And boy, does that feel a thousand times better than wanting.

So thank you, dear readers, for following this line of thought.  And for being a part of my writing adventures.  And for sharing your thoughts and feelings about the things you are grateful for.  It makes life better.



Series Review: Battlestar Galactica

In addition to long walks with the puppy, seeing Into Darkness and much needed relaxation in general the big accomplishment of last weekend was finally finishing Battlestar Galactica (henceforth referred to as BSG.)  This was a big deal because it's taken us several years to get through the whole series.  Why?  Well, long story short this is not the kind of series you can just pick back up and watch any old time.  Much like a good book that requires your undivided attention we had to be invested in watching so that we could know what the hell was going on.  So it is that although we began watching... 3 years ago?  We only finished it now.  And it's entirely too important a series not to comment on.

As with a lot of my other reviews I must warn that this will contain pretty much every spoiler there is- I simply don't know how to write about it without commenting on these things, so it's just gonna happen.  As such, I must implore you that if you have not seen this series you should NOT read this because it will ruin one of the most important entries of the space opera genre for you.  Seriously.  If you have, please read on, leave your comments and let me know what you think.

Ok, so since i'm writing this review for individuals who have already seen the series i'm going to skip the synopsis since a)I suck at writing them and b) it's too damned complicated to try to sum anyway.  Instead, I will jump right into what I think:

From my vantage point, it seems the the series can be separated into 3 parts.  Part 1 comprising the miniseries and seasons 1 and 2, part 2 comprising season 3 and part 3 comprising season 4. 

Part 1- After the Fall, Civilization in Space and History
The miniseries chronicles the attack on the colonies and throws us head first into the world of cylons and humans.  We get a crash course in the history of the war, a look into how the cylons managed to so thoroughly destroy the colonies (thanks, Gaius!) and a rundown on Galactica herself.  Then season one starts right off where the miniseries left off with the fleet trying to outrun the cylons.  The miniseries and these first episodes are full of war- death, destruction, explosions, and military maneuvers.  All these high intensity scenes make you very aware of one of BSG's greatest strengths: it's got damned good CGI.  This is- by far- the best I've seen in a television series.  Movies?  No, I wouldn't say it's that good.  But for TV?  It's effing amazing.  And the sound is right up there to match.

Another thing on the production front I feel the need to point out is the music.  The creators did a great job not only at creating a fantastic score that mirrors the mood of the scenes but that song they composed for the series itself fits perfectly.  Songs win academy awards when they so perfectly fit the movie that the sound is synonymous with the movie itself (think Jaws, Jurassic Park, Godfather).  Those first few notes are synonymous in my mind with this series.  Great stuff.

Anyway, the rest of seasons one and two, while giving you plenty of backstory and plot development, are mostly stand alone episodes that show us the human race doing their best to survive a race well equipped to wipe them out.  This, to me, is the best of what space opera has to offer.  There's lots of drama, romance, death, renewal and strength and the actors on this show are really spectacular.  I have to give specific props to the fearless leaders Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell who show an incredible amount of range over the course of the series as well as the two female cylons Tricia Helfer (6) and Grace Park (Boomer/Athena) for playing so many different incarnations of themselves you sometimes forget it's the same actress.  They're all incredibly gifted and deserve wide acclaim for the series.

These first two seasons, on the whole, are where the series shines.  While there's plenty going on in the cylon conspiracy realm it doesn't overwhelm the individual plots of the episodes and we find ourselves carried along quite easily, blissfully wrapped up in this world, without really worrying too much about where it's all leading.

Added Bonus: The pseudo movie "The Plan" shows the first two seasons from the Cylon point of view and answers the question of why a race so advanced and capable keeps on fraking up their attempts to destroy the remaining survivors.   (Hint- it's their humanity.  Kind of a theme throughout the series...)  It really fleshes out a lot of the previously mysterious events making the first two seasons whole.  Check it out if you haven't already.

Part 2- New Caprica, The Opera House and the Cylon Revolution
Season 3, for me, is where it started to fall apart.  First off, New Caprica was a harsh wake-up for those of us who mistakenly thought that the miraculous first two seasons would continue as they were.  Not only are we thrown way into the future where things have changed so drastically (Wait- Sam and Kara are married?  The cheif and Cally had a kid?  Lee married Dualla, got fat and turned... orange?  What the frak?) that we can barely make head or tail of anything but the series itself starts to shift the way things take place.  Here they're really trying to move the cylon plot forward, most story arcs take place over several episodes and the whole thing takes on a different tone.

While the acting, score, effects and action sequences are still great they can't save the series from a convoluted plot.  Much like Lost each episode asks more questions than it answers and we're left with this building sense that there's something fundamentally important that we're missing.  It's confusing and frustrating and many episodes had me venting my frustration at the tv screen with no relief when the closing credits rolled.

Part 3- "Earth", The Final Five and The Mysterious Kara Thrace
Season 4 is where they try very very hard to end the series with dignity while answering the questions asked by the past 3 seasons.  They are not successful in this endeavor.  Yes, we get an answer to why the cylons keep saying "All of this has happened and it will happen again" in the form of "Earth" and the ending on the real Earth 150,000 years before we all started watching the show.  The final scene with 6 and Gaius walking the streets of New York with robots looking creepily advanced and that damned "All Along the Watchtower" song playing in the background is very foreboding and cool.

But the conclusion to the Opera House visions seemed, to me, like a hastily planned tableu.  Why did they have to bring Hera to the bridge, exactly?  Oh, so that all those visions could come true?  Oh, ok- except that that doesn't make any sense!  After seeing those visions in so many damned episodes I expected something a little more climatic.

And the final five themselves?  What the hell was the point there?  Oh, they each hold a piece of the resurrection formula and they're going to give it to the cylons so that they'll finally leave the humans alone?  Great, that makes sense.  Except that Galen goes Hulk halfway through the transfer and kills Tory- whoops, sorry cylons!  What?!?  And later on, when Tigh and Ellen are talking to Galen, and Tigh's like "Oh, I would've done the same thing" as if it's no big deal that they just pretty much destroyed their race?  Really?!?

And, I'm sorry cause I know I'm ranting but I can't help it, but what the FRAK happened to Kara?  She's dead, she's back, she spends the bulk of the season wondering what the hell she is and bemoaning her existence and then after using the song to help find the real Earth she just fraking vanishes?  One minute she's talking to Lee, the next she's gone.  And we never found out what the hell she was.  This made us so nuts we went back and re-watched the end with Ronald Moore's commentary and you know what he says?  He says that the actress (Katee Sackhoff) actually begged them to give her character a definitive ending and they refused because they thought it would be better to leave the audience going "huh?"  Honestly- his word: "Huh?"  Screw you, Ronald Moore!  So, so angry.

In the end the last seasons left way too many unanswered questions (Kara, what the frak the Gaius and 6 visions were, what happens to the cylons, etc, etc) for me to rate this series as highly as I would like.  I still love it, don't get me wrong.  The first two seasons are SO GOOD that I wouldn't skip it for the world.  But I'd be lying if I didn't say I think they failed to bring it all home in the end. 

That being said, the series will hold a special place in my heart right next to Star Trek (original, Next Gen, Deep Space, etc) and Star Wars (original trilogy, of course).  And given the love I hold for them that's saying a heck of a lot.

Another Unwanted Public Opinion

I’ve discovered something worse than Christmas decorations at the very beginning of November: Christmas decorations at the end of February.

I have ranted in the past about how much I dislike the fact that Christmas dominates commercials, department store windows, mall decorations, radio stations and the like for the entirety of November in the past and have suggested legislation to prevent townships from putting up decorations and whatnot before December 1st. (Knowing no policy makers my protests have been ignored, but still.)

Well, all of those sparkly garlands on street lamps and wreaths on every door pale in comparison to the absolute travesty of a lawn full of Christmas decorations at the very end of February. January? Ok. I don’t LIKE it because we are in fact in a new year and should take notice of such, but I‘ll grant you a week to take everything down.

But the end of February? Are you F***ing kidding me? And don’t give me the excuse that it snowed and you needed to wait for the snow to melt to dig everything out and pack it away- you had those decorations up on the first of November, they’ve had their time! There is no excuse for leaving them out and then waiting for the snow to come and bury them. That’s just f***ing lazy!

There’s this one particular house I pass everyday on the way to/from work that- in the beginning of November- had a lawn filled (seriously, it looks like they bought out Walmart’s entire stock) with cheap, inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments. Back in November it looked tacky.

Now? Now I can honestly not think of any reason whatsoever why those people shouldn’t be shot. Seriously- the township fines you for not having proper trash removal, letting your backyard fill with too much stuff, not parking your car in a designated area. How can there be no fine for leaving a hundred deflated lawn ornaments in your yard in February? At that point the ridiculous odometer can’t measure the situation- it’s sick.

I have a solution, of course. But for reasons I’ll never understand homicide is deemed illegal no matter how much of a waste of space the shit head is. I disagree with this. I’m not saying you should make it easy (like as easy it is to get the weapon to kill the person- 3 days for a handgun?). No- you can make us fill out tons of paperwork, go through all the usual red tape, etc, etc. But if we’re wiling to do that and have a valid case? No reason homicide shouldn’t be allowed.

Stupid politicians never listen to me.

The System is Down

They say that when you’re stuck you should try to make a change. When you can’t make a change they say complaining doesn’t help. Several months of me complaining has more than proven this statement. They say you should just try to make one positive step each and everyday day. On most days, I do ok with this. I don’t bitch non-stop about my job because I know that won’t help, I just focus on sending in one more job application, one more resumé, one more cover letter. But some days, after that’s done, you still find yourself feeling crappy about the whole thing.

I’m not asking for much, I don’t think. I’m not asking for a job that will reveal my life’s purpose. I’m not asking for a job that will create meaning for my life. Hell, I’m not even asking for a job I like. I’m fine with work being something you get paid for because no one’s lucky enough to get paid for doing what they love. (Yeah, I’ve heard the stories too but if I allowed myself to believe them I’d have unrealistic expectations.)

No, I’m just asking for something that I don’t hate as much as this. For something that pays for all the stress and aggravation I currently get nothing for. Or something with less stress and aggravation that pays the same crappy salary. Or something that would justify the $300 plus I have to pay towards my damned student loan every month. Something that is more than just putting out fires and explaining to managers higher up why everything is constantly messed up. Something in which there’s some movement, however little, towards improving the amazingly messed system. Or at least something that, if it is crappy all day long, I can at least leave behind me when I finally get out of the office.

I really don’t believe my expectations are too grand to met. I’ve lowered them so much from the way I used to think that most people agree it’s not unreasonable to want that. But that doesn’t mean I get what I want. And after 8 months of just one more resumé it’s hard not to get dragged down. I’m not complaining, though. I know that doesn’t help. But they say that the universe can’t give you what you need unless you put it out there. So I‘m putting out there my belief that there has to be something better than this.

Rain, rain go away

This weekend I was supposed to go to a haunted hayride.  It rained all day Friday and the place was closed.  Then, I was supposed to go apple picking at my favorite orchard.  It rained all day Saturday and that place was closed.  Just about every activity I wanted to do, save going to the movies, was closed.  Anger doesn't cover what i'm feeling.

I always associate November rain with absolute gloom but i've discovered something worse: October rain.  When all the fall harvest festivals and pumkin patches and apple orchards and hayrides and corn mazes and scare-crow making contests and gourd weigh-offs and costume prades and everything that is resplendent about the season get cancelled because of FOUR dark, gloomy, cold, soaking-wet days of rain someone needs to pay.  I don't know who.  But when I find out... adjectives haven't yet been invented to describe what I will do to them.

Pandora Rant

The title of the station is “Tom Petty Radio” for a reason! I don’t give a rat’s ass if that horrible cookie-monster screaming death metal has similar music qualities in terms of “basic rock song structures and many other similarities identified in the music genome project”. Do you think I’d be making Pandora choose the songs for me If I had any idea what the hell ‘mild rhythmic syncopation’ or ‘repetitive melodic phrasing’ was?