Today is the first of May: a day usually marked by celebrations of spring, fertility, and growth. It's been a common theme in my life of late.
I used to think that any change that would be sustainable- that one would be able to permanently integrate into life- had to be small. Incremental steps in the right direction, tiny victories creating forward momentum, a stable basis to build off of and then add to one layer at a time. I advised and counseled and even instructed people on the steps that seemed most likely to bring about the permanent change they claimed to want.
But this process of self discovery that I've been in has not been small. The steps that I've taken have not been tiny victories. And my stable basis for everything was completely and utterly destroyed in the process of so much birth. It's nothing short of a revolution and I have no idea when things will settle down. (Or if, for that matter.)
And yes, it's scary. More frightening, really, than anything else I've ever done. And yes, a whole lot of hard-won truths I've held as immutable have been completely tossed aside in favor of a completely different world view. And yes, my cool, collected exterior and confidence has been rattled to the bone.
And yet, I feel more alive in this space- this scary, uncertain, constantly fluctuating space- than I have at any other time in my life. Because this feels real.
I have no certain beliefs anymore. And I recognize that what feels so fundamentally true to me right now could very well change tomorrow. And I see that any claims I make as to who I am, how I'm defined, and where I fit are temporary. And yes, I'm scared. But I am most certainly NOT unhappy.
I'm following the green. I'm catching the scent of plants pushing through damp soil and letting it lead me forward. I'm listening to the birdsong in the wind and letting my feet trace the path. I'm moving, constantly, in whatever direction this crazy journey is taking me and I am trusting that the steps themselves are the way.
It harkens back to one of those lines I've recited a million times over. "It's not the destination but the journey that matters." Well, what if there is no destination? What if the reason the journey matters is because the journey is all there is? Wouldn't that be revolutionary?