Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The Middle

There are two different worlds existing in my mind and they are at war with one another.  I cannot reconcile the difference and it feels as if I'm being torn apart by the conflict.

In the past there is a rich warm history.  A family that I was part of.  A decade of love and smiles and laughter.  A decade of family photos featuring me with light in my eyes.  Of weddings, birthdays, and countless celebrations.  Of quiet moments and firm beliefs that I was home.

In the future there is a new, vibrant, wild version of myself.  A woman with fierce passions and unapologetic existence.   A woman with crazy, funky hair and stories beyond imagination.  A woman who is so self-loving that there is no room in her life for anyone else, no part of herself reserved for anyone other than her.  A woman my soul feels called to become.

And in between those two, in the middle of these two worlds, is me.  Petrified of moving forward, sure I can't go back.  Lost in the fog of my confused, frightened thoughts.  Overcome by grief so strong it robs me of breath and filled with fire so hot I cannot ignore it.

Everyone says that this is the place to be.  This is that which we seek when we call upon ourselves to live fully, without reserve.  This is the soul's battlefield and the richest, most fruitful part of my existence.

But I am breathing pain, my heart is beating pain, my brain is drowning in pain.  I am begging for a way out, for an end to this in between, for my life to take the course it must.  But my actions which direct that course, my words that drive the play forward, are trapped in the fear and pain.  Trapped in the middle.

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