I've been a wreck all day- an irredeemable wreck. Anxious, irritable, scatter-brained like there's no tomorrow. And I've been trying really, REALLY had not to judge myself for it. That old reaction is still ingrained- the ego still has so many negative things to say about this new emotional version of me. And I've been ignoring it for the most part.
But then I got feedback from another source, a more trusted one (Thanks, Jen!). A friend of mine who is going through a lot of the same transformations, studying the same course I am on, asked me why this year was so different than last year (since I've been through this panic-inducing thing before). Why, she asked, was last year so much easier than this year?
We bounced a few ideas around- last year didn't go so well so I had more reason to be worried. Last year was my first time so I didn't know about the number of things that could go wrong. Last year I was a little cocky and naive and I got hit pretty hard for it.
But still, I thought, aren't I supposed to be handling things better now? Isn't this journey that I'm on designed to make me calmer? More accepting? Better able to weather life's storms? Isn't that the whole point?
And then- that perfect timing thing again- a friend of mine from teacher training posted an article about the ways in which I've been feeling lately with the title "15 Uncomfortable Feelings That Indicate You Are On The Right Track". (Thanks, Tracey!!) I had every one of these- literally every single one. Anxious, restless, irritable, fearful, confrontational, dissatisfied, lost, exhausted- all of it. And that got me thinking: what if there's nothing wrong with me? The revolutionary question that turns your perspective 180 degrees.
What if me being that anxious was just me doing the best I could do? What if working my ass off like a lunatic for a week- regardless of what a hot mess I was throughout the course of it- was just me being catalyzed to get everything done? What if I was feeling that crazy simply because I was allowing myself to? Without fighting it, without hiding it, without judging myself for feeling it- what's if that's why I was so anxious? Not because I wouldn't have been that anxious anyway, but because I've just stopped hiding it.
I used to judge myself for being emotional. Get angry- really, really angry- at myself for crying. Say terrible, hurtful statements about myself for being angry with someone (for something I really should have been angry at them for). Look at myself when I was not the epitome of logical, intellectual superiority and just hate myself for it. That's who I used to be.
That's not who I am anymore. I'm emotional. I'm messy. I'm loud and passionate and I speak up when people piss me off. I value intuition way more than intellect and I see god in everything. I look at people I used to judge so harshly for being so emotional and think 'I want to be more like them'. And I cry all the goddamned time.
Of course I was way more anxious this year- I'm a completely different person this year! I handled this situation very, very differently than I did last year. I let myself feel everything I was feeling without trying to talk myself out of it. And yeah, maybe it seemed unhealthy- who likes having panic symptoms? But maybe that's exactly what I needed to feel. Maybe a hot mess is exactly what I needed to be. Maybe this, like so many other situations I've encountered and will encounter in the future, is exactly right?
I'd certainly like to think so...