Last fall I did a circle that asked us about authentic abundance. We were told to look at our lives, how we lived them, what we spent our time/money/effort on. And we were asked whether or not that matched what was truly important to us.
I thought about my home- the sterile environment where we watched tv more than anything else, the layout of the livingroom where that and the couch were the only things that stood out- no books, no color, no me.
I thought about my time- the bulk of it spent sitting in traffic while driving back and forth twice a day, everyday. I thought about that feeling of being trapped in a car and being powerless to do anything about it.
I thought about my spirituality. All these new ideas and beliefs changing my life, turning me into a better person, a better version of myself. And I thought about how hard I had to work to hide that everyday.
It was one of those moments where things were illuminated clearly. I couldn't ignore or deny anything. I could, and did, believe I could change it while still keeping my life mostly as was, without disrupting everything. I believed life could change in only the ways I wanted it to.
Now, on the other side of everything, things look very different. I look at my home- or the apartment I'm slowly, gradually turning into home- and I see books and games and pictures and color. I see a space where friends come over all the time for conversation and genuine connection. I look at a space that is me in almost every way I can make it me.
I look at my time- walking back and forth to work, to yoga, to karate, to everywhere. I look at the fact that I literally haven't touched my car in three days because i'm waling everywhere. I look at the sun and the sky and the trees and the people walking their dogs down the street. I look at how much I'm doing to take better care of the earth and I feel significantly better about myself as a human because of that.
I look at my spirituality. Not only time spent engaged in circle, ritual, meditation, prayer, all of it. But also at all the conversations I'm having every single day with people who see me and love me more because of all this. How I'm literally wearing my beliefs on my sleeve and getting understanding and appreciation and respect for it. How I'm not hiding, at all.
And I'm not saying that the heartache is gone, or that I won't be destroyed- possibly even tomorrow- by a memory or a doubt or fear that could floor me. But I am saying that just for this moment it's kind-of nice to realize that so much of my life is more me. It makes me think I might be on the right track with all this.