Hello, thank you for calling Purgatory Unlimited. In order for us to direct your call we will need to ask you for some information to help us determine the right department to direct you to. Are you a member or a provider?
Please enter your tax id number.
Thank you. Please say or enter the name of your office using your keypad.
Thank you. This is Na-ku Es-og Op-ug Tu-te, correct?
"What the? No."
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say the name of your office or enter the name of your office using the keypad on your touchtone phone. For example, if you are calling from Emergency Services say that name into your receiver or enter the corresponding number for each letter of the name, such as 36374362973784237.
Thank you. This is Mal-vern In-sti-tute, correct?
Thank you. Please say or enter your first name.
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Please say your name using the voice command or enter it into the keypad on your touchtone phone. For example, if your name is Al-
Thank you. One moment please. This is Bev-er-ly, correct?
Thank you. Please enter your date of birth.
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Please enter the month, date and year of your date of birth. For example, if you were born on Jan-u-ar-y fifth, nine-teen sev-en-ty four enter 01051974 on your keypad.
Thank you. Please say or enter your social security number.
“What, why do you need that?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Please say or enter your social security number.
I’m sorry, but you need to enter in all the digits of your 9-digit social security number.
I’m sorry, but I cannot transfer you to an operator until I have the right information to direct your call. Please say or enter your 9 digit soc-
Thank you. Please enter your blood type… your mother’s maiden name… the name of your high school… your first pet’s name… the name of the town where you were born…
Please enter the procedure code of the services you are calling about today. Or, if you don’t know, say “I don’t know.”
“I don’t know!”
Ok. Please hold on the line while I transfer your call. Before I go, is there anything else I can help you with today?
“No! You useless piece of-”
“Ok, please hold while I transfer your call. Remember you can use our website to find information about services, billing address or fax numbers, or even print out forms. Just go to www.purgatoryunlimited.com. Thank you for your call, someone will be with you in just a moment.
(Five minutes later)
Your call is very important to us. Please hold on the line for next available customer service representative.
(Twenty minutes later)
“Hello, this is Karen, customer Service representative, how may I help you?”
“Hello, hello? Oh, god- thank you. I’ve been on hold forever. Yes, I need to get precertification for outpatient mental health services?”
“Ok, I’ll be glad to help you with that. What is your tax id number?”
“Ok, hold on just a second.” *typing* “Ok, what is the name of the office you are calling from?”
“I’m sorry, can you spell that?”
"I already gave all this information to the stupid automated system!"
"I'm sorry but unfortunately the case wasn't on my docket when I picked you up from the queue."
“Ok, fine- it's M,A,L,V,E,R,N- Institute.”
“Ok,” *typing* “What’s the address of your office?”
“157 West King Road, King of Prussia PA.”
…”I’m sorry, can you spell the name of the city for me?”
“K, I, N,G- like ‘king tut’. Then O,F- of. Then P,R,U,S,S,I,A.”
“Hmmm, it’s not coming up in the system. It’s all one word?”
“No, it’s three separate words.”
“Oh, ok- that will make a difference. Hold on.” *typing* “Ok, I got you now. And what was the address again?”
“157 West King Road, King of Prussia.”
… “Hmmm, I’m not getting that. Have you been at this address for a while?”
“Two years. I mean, we moved two years ago, but it should have been changed in the system by now.”
“Well, what was the previous address?”
“687 South Henderson Road, same town.”
*typing* “Ok, that one’s in there.”
“Fine, just use that then.”
“Ok. And what is the procedure code you are calling about today?”
“I don’t know. It’s intensive outpatient substance abuse services.”
“Mental health or- oh, you said substance abuse, ok. Hold on.” *typing* “Ok, I’m going to set up a reference number for you and then transfer you over to one of our care managers.”
“Seriously? It took me over half an hour just to get you on the line!”
“I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m setting up the case right now and then I’ll transfer you right over.”
*typing* “Ok, I’ve got the case set up and I’m going to transfer you over now, ok?”
“Sure, hold the line.”
(Five minutes later)
Thank you for holding. We apologize for the delay. We are experiencing an unusually high call volume but if you hold on the line your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.
(Ten minutes later)
Thank you for holding. To expedite your call please have your information ready to give to your care manager. You may also fax this information to us at 1-888-fuc-koff.
(Thirty minutes later)
“Huh? Hello? Hel-“
*static* We’re sorry, if you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again…