Tuesday, August 11, 2009

An Open Letter to August

Dear August,
I know you’re busy but I was wondering if you could spare a minute as I wanted to bring your attention to some things I thought you might not be aware off.
First off, because of that whole teaspoon of sugar thing, let me just say that I appreciate your lack of confusion regarding your identity. You have firmly placed yourself in the summer season and, for better or worse, are staying there. That takes a certain amount of courage and I’d be remiss if I didn’t give you credit for it.
That being said, I think you might want to rethink your perspective. Yes, it’s summer. And yes, summer is characteristically hot. But have you ever considered that you may be going a bit overboard? Have you checked the thermometer lately? 97° is a bit much, even for us warm-blooded creatures. I mean, does anyone really need that much sun? My plants who, I would think, appreciate it far more than I do, are sweltering.
I don’t want to misrepresent my fellow humans, but here’s some feedback for you to consider. No one likes waking up at 2:38am covered in sweat. Have you ever tried it? It’s indescribably uncomfortable and people have enough trouble sleeping as is. No one likes having their thighs burned by the car seat upon sitting down in what can only be described as a greenhouse due to all that excess sun you insist on keeping around. Those of us who are lucky enough to have air conditioning tend to have a bit of a heart attack upon opening our electric bill and things are bad enough financially as is.
And what’s with all the cicadas? It’s right up there with keeping hissing cockroaches as pets in terms of absurdity. No one likes them. They’re ugly to the point of being scary looking. They’re terribly loud and it somehow feels as if it gets even hotter because of their incessant buzzing. And, I’m sorry, but molting one’s exoskeleton like that is just gross. Seriously, it’s just not working. May I suggest a more user friendly mascot? How about puppies- everyone likes puppies. Or maybe a sea mammal since you've got this whole swimming thing going on- how about an otter? They’re adorable and not at all creepy. If you don’t like those options I could take a survey and see what the greater population thinks.
All I’m saying is that I think you might be going overboard with the whole summer heat thing. Yeah, there are beaches and pools and vacation but not everyone likes those activities or has adequate benefits from work to do so. For every one person relaxing in a pool I can think of ten others dying under the hot sun while working outside.
Not to mention the fact that, for those who are lucky enough to get time off, summer vacation ends at the end of the month. Granted this is due to policies totally outside your control, but don’t think that gets you off the hook in most people’s eyes. It’s like those rats who unknowingly carry disease- they didn’t technically do anything wrong, but people still associate them with the plague.
I don’t expect you to overhaul your whole personality just because a few people can’t take the heat. Like I said, you’re firm in your identity and that does earn you respect. I’m simply suggesting that you be a little less rigid in your stance. When someone shakes their fist skyward because their ice cream has completely melted less than ten seconds after the first lick don’t kill the little bit of wind you allow to blow by just to spite them. Stubbornness is not considered a desirable trait.
I know you don’t like being the black sheep of the summer months, no matter how proud you try to act. I’m letting you know that you don’t have to be. You’ve got a lot to offer and I’m sure that if you applied yourself you could become the favorite month of many. I’m happy to help in any way I can should you want some assistance. And definitely let me know about that survey, though I tell ya- you can’t go wrong with the puppies!

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Thank you for your comment! I will love it and hug it and pet it and call it George. Or, you know, just read and reply to it. But still- you rock!