Today is Friday which for some us (the more organized variety) means Celebrating the Small Things. I originally thought I would do the same but realized that this isn't really that kind of entry- that's just not where my head is. This is a stream of consciousness kind-of entry. A no holds-barred, explosion of neuroses, here's all the crazy stuff in my head at the moment kind-of entry. And needless to say it's more for me than it is for anyone else (so no harm done if you feel like skipping it)- I just need to write.
I'm thinking a million things all at once, feeling a million impulses all at once, being pulled in a million different directions. I want to write- novels, poems, epic tales of heroes winning their own private battles with themselves. I want to sign up for NaNoWriMo next month and knock a beautiful, fully expressed story out of the park (as if it ever works out that way). I want to finally write up at least twenty stories I've had in my head or in various stages of being written down but still desperately needing editing and post them all here. I want to join a writing group and publish an anthology. I want to submerse myself in the madness of creativity and surrender to everything that comes.
I want to finally get caught up at the damned office. File all those papers, write up all those notes, finish the endless deluge of paperwork from every admission and discharge and supervision note. I want to shut off my phone and my e-mail and just get it all done. And I want to catch up on my freaking mandated marketing- phone calls and e-mails and invitations to link up at future networking events. I want to get on management's ass about my training and getting it scheduled so I can prove how useful I am. I want to return every phone call, every e-mail, every missed "oh I was supposed to.." there is. And I want no time at all to pass during this magical process so I have time to do what I really want to do.
I want to breathe in the ecstasy of fall. To forget about phones and television and traffic and simply exist. In a deep forest where the sunlight barely penetrates the trees, in a thick pine grove where the scent is intoxicating, in a field where the wind whips through your hair and across the surface of your skin, in a pumpkin patch where the smell of dirt and growth and harvest is all you can think about. I want to forget about reality and connect with the earth so I too can be pulled along in this amazing transition.
I want my soul to run free. To burst forth from my body and touch every single living being on the planet. True connection, organic ties, transcendence. I want to leave behind thought and tasks and to-do lists and become one with the ether- the stuff that we cannot see or measure or understand using logical thought but which still exists everywhere, for infinity. I want to forget every single little thing that keeps me a neurotic mess and just be light and free and whole.
I want to sleep. I want to read. I want to run. I want to paint. I want to pay all my bills and balance all my duties and still have time left over for crazy, unbridled creativity. And everyday, in small and large ways, I feel like I'm failing. I get small moments- this morning's yoga class where I forgot about everything for one second and just breathed. That instance where you realize that you knocked a whole lot of things off your to-do list within a relatively small period of time because you got lost in the frenzy of work. The quiet pauses where you're so immersed in something you forget about everything else that isn't that. I do have those. But not often enough, not long enough, not sustainable enough to calm this unquenchable thirst I have. I'm scratching the surface when I want to drown.
I know that these feelings aren't necessarily unusual- but the work I'm doing in my yoga training is making everything boil over. I'm like a volcano that has lain dormant for centuries finally erupting and I don't know when it's all going to cool down. I know that this is part of the process, and I do trust the process. But damned if I don't feel like I'm on the verge of completely losing my marbles. It's wonderful and infuriating all at the same time. And, as is so often the case, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.
And that's what I'm grateful for today.
For More Organized thoughts check out the Celebrate The Small Things Linky: