Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas in the Now

My biggest ongoing issue, on a personal level, is my seemingly never-ending quest for self acceptance. Towards that end, I have been working very hard on trying to live my life within the present moment- without fear, judgment or focus on future issues. I know, I’m so terribly unique.

At any rate, Christmas has always been a source of… problematic thinking for me. I worry, I fret, I think “well maybe next Christmas”. I focus on the things I don’t have in my life. Not trivial things like Christmas gifts but large life goals like a career I actually want or marriage or other things to help me establish a sense of solidity. I don’t know why. Big family holidays just seem to bring that out in me. My focus shifts to the milestones in my life that I haven’t reached.

Well, since one of my goals for this year was growth, I have to mark an accomplishment: I enjoyed Christmas. Within the moment, without thinking about life or what was lacking in it or how I think things ‘should’ be or any of the other bullshit that might get in the way of me just enjoying the activities I’m currently engaged in. I ate delicious food with no other thoughts in my head but how delicious it was. I enjoyed the company of my family without thinking that they’re not technically (legally) my family. I enjoyed the company of my spouse without worrying about the fact that he’s not actually my spouse. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for what I have in my life without worrying about what I don’t.

I know enough to understand that the path to growth is not marked by major life milestones but rather by the small, seemingly insignificant moments wherein you do something different. Well I had a number of those moments this past holiday. Moments where I was truly joyous because I was present with the joy and not stuck in my head with future thoughts. Moments where I appreciated what was in front of me without worrying about whether or not it fit into some package I sometimes think it’s supposed to come in. Moments where I was present, alert and aware of how many extraordinary gifts I have. If anything I thought about how much I don’t need anything else, cause gratitude tends to remind you of that.

I enjoyed Christmas. And in the vein of being present, alert and aware I am marking that very significant accomplishment for myself. Because I’m the only one who can.

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