“Hilarious” “Wonderful” “Fabulous” “Delightful” “Inspired” “Brilliant!”
None of these are words that have been used to describe my blog. Why, you may wonder? For one simple, undeniably all-important reason. I am not John Wiswell.
John Wiswell, as was appropriately observed by one of his many followers, is a literary God among puny, insignificant, wretched mortals with keyboards and internet connections. John Wiswell is a master of verse, a king of comedy, a wizard of wonder, a challenger of challenges, a pontificator of puns, a twitter of tweets (twits?), a dispatcher of deviousness, an infector of uncontrollable laughter, and a creator of catharsis. John Wiswell is a dude with a blog.
Thankfully, the universe has been made right by the recent awarding of the “Creative Genius Blogger Award” to the God and the blog wherein his gospel is recorded. I cannot begin to imagine the millions of earthquakes, avalanches, hurricanes, tsunamis, mud slides, wild fires, plagues and other biblical catastrophes that have been averted by acknowledging the greatness contained within The Bathroom Monologues. I can only assume the destruction would be total, and that we must continue to reward this greatness lest we earn the wrath our vengeful God has alluded to.
I personally have been unable to sleep, eat, or otherwise function while dreading the coming of John’s next apocalyptic retribution. Since being notified that not having any awards to share is no excuse not to pay homage to my master and learning of the horrific payback I have earned my life has been nothing more than a series of cataclysmic near-escapes from terrors I cannot begin to fully recount.
In hopes of stopping this war of destruction which has, so far, opened up the skies with angry claps of thunder threatening to strike my house, totaled my car with flash floods on the way to work, killed my cat with some unknown virus which suddenly caused him to start growing fur on the inside and sent me into a diabetic coma I am hereby offering my penance:
“The Awe-Inspiring, Mind-boggling, World- changing, Hyphen-using LUDICROUS Award”
is hereby awarded to John Wiswell, Writing God.
And I promise, that I shall never again underestimate the power, the glory, and the grit of this magnificent beast who could, with the simple wave of his hand, squash my meaningless existence into oblivion (but hopefully won’t because I sometimes send him cookies).