Thursday, October 1, 2009

Silly Saints

I learned today that there is a patron saint of throats apparently sainted after some catholic priest saved a little kid from choking on a fishbone. And now people go to church and have their throats blessed. I always knew that there were a lot of saints but I figured most of them were at least semi-practical: travel, wealth, health, stuff like that. I come to find out that there are thousands upon thousands of saints in the catholic literature. Many just got martyred and were sainted for dying. But many are patron saints of random things. There's patron saints of occupations, animals, countries, cities, royal classes, medical conditions, you name it.

Call me blasphemous but that seems just a little silly. I mean a patron saint of asses? Really? Yes, really. His name was Anthony of Padua. I quote SQPN, an online Catholic media resource: "A gifted speaker, he attracted crowds everywhere he went, speaking in multiple tongues; legend says that even the fish loved to listen." Uh-huh.

Well, at the risk of being smithed, I've decided to compile my own list of silly saints, Enjoy!

Saint Fluffy: Patron Saint of dust-bunnies, pocket lint and those weird little fluffs you find in your hair.

Saint Flipper: Patron Saint of Dolphins (duh.)

On the same token, Saint Lassie: Patron Saint of Collies

Saint Latex: Patron Saint of condoms, surgical gloves, and food packaging.

Saint Gunk: Patron Saint of toilet bowl residue, sewage, oil spills and that crap on the bottom of your shoe that you can't figure out the source of.

Saint Teddy: Patron Saint of stuffed animals, sexy lingerie and popular presidents.

Saint Coppertone: Patron Saint of sunscreen. (Seriously, there should be a saint for that!)

Saint Ccino: Patron Saint of coffee products.

Saint Vaginitis: Patron Saint of that "less than fresh feeling".

Saint Clippy: Patron Saint of paper fasteners, hair fasteners, and annoying microsoft mascots.

Saint Buzz: Patron Saint of noise-making insects, electrical equipment and caffeinated beverages.

And finally, Saint Monty: Patron Saint of non-sequiturs.

This list will will be updated as there are many, many more to announce.

1 comment:

Thank you for your comment! I will love it and hug it and pet it and call it George. Or, you know, just read and reply to it. But still- you rock!