Obviously, writing is something that I struggle with. As many grand ideas as I have in my head and as much of an insane need as I seem to feel to write I am constantly plagued by this “Not good enough” feeling that overwhelms me and kills my desire/ability to write. It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I’ve written and after so many years of practice I have perfected the art. It’s my own particular breed of madness.
And four years of college with amazingly gifted writers throwing every trick they knew at me wasn’t able to change that. Feedback and support from many gifted writers I know personally wasn’t able to change that. A write-or-die web app, intricate reward system and threat of severe consequences were not enough to change that.
For reasons I still don’t understand, Nanowrimo changed that. And three years running I have participated in the event, hit the 50,000 word mark within 30 days and had the unparalleled feeling of glorious, wondrous success warming my very soul. So obviously, I’m doing it again.
Over the next 30 days I will purposefully embed myself deep in my imagination, desperately seeking out pens and keyboards to jot down my ideas as facets of my characters, plot twists and simple devices to bulk up my count occur to me. I will sit in front of my computer screen for hours and use every procrastination device I can think of whilst trying to come up with my next scene. I will soar above the clouds like some untouchable God when I hit my word count goal and hit the deepest recess of depression and self hatred when I don’t. And I will drive my boyfriend, friends and family nuts worrying about me in the process.
I know that there will be moments when I will want to quit. I will conclude that my plot (or lack thereof), my characters, my setting and my words themselves are irredeemable and I will decide that there’s no point in going on. I will actively plan on signing off of Nano forever and may even bury my laptop under my bed because I’m so disgusted I can’t even look at the thing. But I will always come back to it, I will always get that glimmer of hope when a new sentence arrives in my thoughts and I get it down and see that word count go up just a little bit more. I will always be buoyed by the words of those writers who do this crazy thing with me and those now published authors who know that I can do it. And in the end, I will hit 50,000 words.