So I’ve been writing quite a lot about my attempts to be more zen in everyday life and how they seem to be, for the most part, working out rather well. But I have to remind myself that regardless of how many moments I have in which I could freak out like old times and don’t, I am still human. I still have moments, collections of moments comprising common measurements of time, even whole days sometimes where the old patterns still persist. I lose my temper, I lie, I do the lazy thing, I don’t do the healthy thing, I get the “fuck its” and toss the whole after-work plan. And those judgments and criticisms which are the main things I’m trying so desperately hard to rid myself of still pop up reflexively. And I don’t always dismiss them with that calm zen attitude, I feed into them and get down on myself. It still happens.
But- and this is where I have to be so conscious of the change less I miss it entirely- those collections of moments don’t usually last quite as long. I wallow in self loathing for just a little bit less time than I used to, I take action to change my mood just a little bit quicker than normal, I consciously choose not to feed into it with just a little more awareness. I must constantly remind myself that this is a life long change I’m trying to make here, not a magical moment wherein I reach Nirvana and stay there. And like all those who have gone through this personal struggle before me I have to always remember to keep my sense of humor up about it. The monks taught us that, I think. The great spiritual leaders. Not every moment can be calm and peaceful, sometimes you just gotta laugh at yourself for being an asshole.