Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Still Only Human

So I’ve been writing quite a lot about my attempts to be more zen in everyday life and how they seem to be, for the most part, working out rather well. But I have to remind myself that regardless of how many moments I have in which I could freak out like old times and don’t, I am still human. I still have moments, collections of moments comprising common measurements of time, even whole days sometimes where the old patterns still persist. I lose my temper, I lie, I do the lazy thing, I don’t do the healthy thing, I get the “fuck its” and toss the whole after-work plan. And those judgments and criticisms which are the main things I’m trying so desperately hard to rid myself of still pop up reflexively. And I don’t always dismiss them with that calm zen attitude, I feed into them and get down on myself. It still happens.

But- and this is where I have to be so conscious of the change less I miss it entirely- those collections of moments don’t usually last quite as long. I wallow in self loathing for just a little bit less time than I used to, I take action to change my mood just a little bit quicker than normal, I consciously choose not to feed into it with just a little more awareness. I must constantly remind myself that this is a life long change I’m trying to make here, not a magical moment wherein I reach Nirvana and stay there. And like all those who have gone through this personal struggle before me I have to always remember to keep my sense of humor up about it. The monks taught us that, I think. The great spiritual leaders. Not every moment can be calm and peaceful, sometimes you just gotta laugh at yourself for being an asshole.

1 comment:

  1. I try to catch myself for every intentional and unintentional shortcoming, and if not correct the instances, at least chide and play with myself for them. The dough will be kneaded out eventually.

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