Well, it’s tomorrow. The test, that is. And it sort of feels like the last day of work before a long break. Like before I go away for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and there’s lots to do at home (in those cases baking rather breaking, but still) and I have a hard time concentrating. I keep getting distracted with thoughts of whether or not I have all the supplies I need. If I still remember how to count in Korean. If my leg is healed enough from when I landed on it wrong. If there’s anything else I can or should be doing to prepare myself.
But when it comes down to it, there’s nothing that will take place before 6pm tomorrow that will make or beak this test for me. And I’m trying desperately to remind myself that I’ve got everything I need to kick ass.
For me personally the hardest part of the test will be tomorrow night. Actually making the breaks- that’s probably the biggest fear. Going through all the forms without messing up a single move. Getting my trail leg off the ground for the jump spinning kicks. Remembering the Korean words for the verbal test, remembering the hierarchy of forms for the written test. Reading the movements of my attacker correctly for knife defense. That’s all the stuff that gets graded, and that’s where I’m most nervous about messing up.
Saturday, the hell part, in my mind is relatively simple. It’s just a decision- don’t stop. If you have to puke, puke. If you’re going to pass out, pass out. If you’re going to face plant cause you can’t hold yourself upright anymore then face plant- just don’t stop. Not that that’s easy- but it’s a far simpler concept to grasp than remembering everything I have to remember and doing all the movements correctly. Plus, they change the hell part a little every year so as to prevent the upper Dans from knowing what’s coming, so there’s no real way to prepare for it anyway.
I keep telling myself, in my head, that I KNOW that I’ll do great. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, no fear. But you can’t help but be nervous before such a test and I’m trying to cut myself some slack in that way. So I forgive myself for that jittery feeling in my stomach and the fact that my attention span seems to be that of a gnat today. Maybe it’s not nervousness- maybe I’m just revving up.