tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post7746239564896048874..comments2023-10-20T10:51:08.657-04:00Comments on The Beveled Edge: What I Learned From The Summer of WeddingsBevimushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14924337684790883853noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-58367441555811630022013-08-26T10:49:27.039-04:002013-08-26T10:49:27.039-04:00A refreshing post to read Beverley. I have long s...A refreshing post to read Beverley. I have long since campaigned against the ritual, that marriage has become, and thankfully have refused three marriage proposals that would have ended in divorce if I had have accepted. I too, now have a forever mate and know that we are right for each other but feel it unnecessary to conform for a number of reasons. It is however tempting when the government offers enormous tax breaks, that amount to thousands of dollars every year, for married couples here in Denmark. It also provides both of us more security if one of us were to die suddenly. There are many milestones that I consider more valuable than marriage including birthdays, graduations, a new home, and death. At least in these we celebrate an accomplishment rather than just the possibility that two people may or may not stay together. Thanks for sharing this thought provoking piece.Ida Thoughthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15479961947050289284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-3896845892514035722013-08-21T23:22:29.333-04:002013-08-21T23:22:29.333-04:00Great post, for so many reasons. Living outside th...Great post, for so many reasons. Living outside the box is getting more normal, at least. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years (not married) and my son (not his, but his by now) has grown up calling him his dad. It's not really as weird as it would have been a generation or two ago. I think that's a good thing.Shell Flowerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08127004188099765270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-56412052586719372042013-08-20T17:23:39.677-04:002013-08-20T17:23:39.677-04:00This post reminds me so much of the eight years I ...This post reminds me so much of the eight years I was trying to have a baby and of course ran into every glowing pregnant woman in a ten mile radius. Not a fun time. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11622191037152999869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-29421447201542735922013-08-20T08:47:07.984-04:002013-08-20T08:47:07.984-04:00I really appreciate this post. As someone who has ...I really appreciate this post. As someone who has never married I've struggled with the fact that I haven't had the traditional milestones that everyone is supposed to have according to our society. I seem to have difficulty with it each year when it's time to send out the Christmas cards! I admire your acceptance of your choices and feeling comfortable with doing things on your own time. Great post. Julie Flandershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05003737491313673214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-9393667233511513532013-08-20T07:54:51.612-04:002013-08-20T07:54:51.612-04:00Great post, Bev. It would be so nice if others res...Great post, Bev. It would be so nice if others respected us and our choices, and we engaged each other at whatever common point we can find - books, dreams, hobbies, etc - instead of turning away from those not on the "traditional" path. A lot of people don't know what to do with me because I don't have a traditional lifestyle - no kids, no "normal" career, tortoises instead of a dog or cat, obsessed with books, etc - so we end up talking about the weather. Sigh. Madeline Mora-Summontehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05529397293165046430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-5267603846778138962013-08-20T02:15:29.154-04:002013-08-20T02:15:29.154-04:00I love honest posts like this. :) We can't get...I love honest posts like this. :) We can't get too wrapped up in what everyone else is doing. When I reach a personal milestone, if I don't celebrate by myself, I celebrate with a friend or a couple family members. It's small, but it means a lot to me. And if I get married one day, I want that to be small as well. I don't need everyone knowing I made a breakthrough with something, the people I care about know. The thing is, not everyone graduates, get married, buys a house, and has a baby. I know people in each camp. We should celebrate these things. They are milestones. And how everyone celebrates these things is different. Sometimes it's just dinner. I have many people who ask me and my sister all the time when we're doing the traditional thing. It bothers her, it doesn't bother me. <br /><br />I love weddings. And I always attend them dateless. It's perspective. I'm happy when someone gets a book deal, but that is when I feel left out and hollow inside. It's not that I don't want to get married. It's that I'm not comparing myself to them. I am, however, comparing myself to the person with the shiny new book deal, especially if they're younger than me. But we just can't do that. We all have our own path to carve out in life. Some people's path is conformity. They need that. You don't. And I believe we're happier when we do things in a way that's best for us. People may not get it, but that's really okay. We don't always get them either. :)krystal janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08982747799563029153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-38899922513669097662013-08-19T22:11:17.892-04:002013-08-19T22:11:17.892-04:00This is a super-thoughtful post. I'm glad you ...This is a super-thoughtful post. I'm glad you took the time to reflect on what the summer of weddings showed you!<br /><br />I think you hit the nail on the head about conformity and milestones. A flipside is when nonconformity would be a much better thing than conformity. People don't take too well to that. When I became single again, a lot of people tearfully asked if there was any hope of reconciliation -- not realising that my ex leaving was the best possible outcome for that relationship. When I announced I was moving back to my home town and shifting my career more towards what I'd wanted to do in the first place, colleagues (and one relative who also worked in my old career) called me up and begged me not to "squander all my experience".<br /><br />And yet everything worked out better, both in career terms and in the terms of my personal safety and well-being.<br /><br />Conformity can kill people if it's valued more than what it's supposed to achieve.Katherine Hajerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08270232675026751342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-33360832707126080382013-08-19T21:41:26.052-04:002013-08-19T21:41:26.052-04:00Excellent post, Bev! I can relate to feeling '...Excellent post, Bev! I can relate to feeling 'out of step' with your friends, but at the end of the day, you have to be happy with the choices you make, and as long as you feel you're doing what's right, that's all that matters.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00700737187405826842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-80194368820605829462013-08-19T19:08:50.994-04:002013-08-19T19:08:50.994-04:00Very very thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing y...Very very thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I happen to be one of those people who loves the rituals built into society (our culture or others). I think they're important. I think a ceremony to bury our dead, where people gather and share food and memories is important. I think graduations, sending a young person into the world with a significant ceremony with family and friends is supportive, a rite of passage. Likewise, while maybe not for everyone, I think weddings hold the same significance. A service with family and friends, food and celebration that signifies a new phase in life. <br /><br />A friend of mine who used to live in South Africa shared with me that when he and his wife wanted to get a divorce, it was a family decision. Everyone gathered to hear the two sides and it wasn't a given who would get the children. Although ultimately his marriage ended, he spoke highly of the input of elders and family members of this decision. He said the gravity and the support were more keenly felt. <br /><br />I'm not advocating for family-based divorces (yeesh) but I really do think there is a cultural significance to the ceremonies we have in place. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00741349796538313075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-34806232994589718562013-08-19T18:05:55.992-04:002013-08-19T18:05:55.992-04:00You may not have gone through an actual wedding ce...You may not have gone through an actual wedding ceremony yet, but it sounds to me as though you already have a pretty good handle on what it means to be married... maybe better than some of the couples whose nuptials you celebrated this year.<br /><br />My hubby and I have been married for more than 44 years, and for us, it was never about the wedding day, and God knows, the wedding day wasn't all about ME. I don't care what's considered "acceptable" or "excused" behavior for a bride-to-be; I'm not impressed with a diva Bridezilla attitude. For us, our wedding was about sharing our happiness with friends and families. My hubby was in the Army at the time, and I gave him the option of what he wanted to wear. He didn't want to wear a tux, so he wore his uniform. Fine by me. Nobody wore a tux. Our best man didn't even wear a suit; he wore a sports jacket and tie, and that was fine with us. Because it wasn't about what anyone wore; it wasn't about spending a lot of money or trying to impress anyone. It was one day... a day of celebration and fun. Not just for us... for everyone there. <br /><br />As for celebrating milestone, I agree. Instead of making a big deal about one particular day because of what the calendar dictates, why not celebrate every day? I'd much rather receive a small bouquet of flowers on some "insignificant" day "just because" than receive some fancy expensive whatever out of obligation on a birthday or anniversary, or whatever. So I'm with ya, kiddo.Susan Flett Swiderskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09425315552148200073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-90570982979026180512013-08-19T16:37:28.331-04:002013-08-19T16:37:28.331-04:00Honestly, I admire your non-conformity. I wish I&#...Honestly, I admire your non-conformity. I wish I'd been stronger way back when. I loved my independence, and feel almost as though there's a bit to much compromise in giving it up - a one sided compromise that doesn't jive and never will!<br /><br />Hold to your independence - you'll never regret it and some of those folks, the true harpies, only want you to be as miserable as they are! Just a few - I hope! :)Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-40958163890602221162013-08-19T15:30:38.909-04:002013-08-19T15:30:38.909-04:00I know exactly what you mean. As a married, pregn...I know exactly what you mean. As a married, pregnant woman who owns her own house, it is incredible how the big American milestones get all the attention. My boss seems to treat me better BECAUSE I'm having a baby and doing the traditional family stuff. People ask me about the baby time and time again and don't really ask me how I'm REALLY doing. Every big change in life is valuable AND difficult. But when I graduated from therapy and my therapist said there was no more work to be done, I felt THAT was a bigger milestone than when I bought my house in 2007. Yet everyone had a piece of advice or words of wisdom to give me when I bought my house as a single woman in her late 20s. A woman who has conquered her demons in therapy and has come out on top? Well, nobody really knows what to say to that or how to congratulate you. But, girl, you and I both celebrated for me at that time in my life, and I celebrate with you every time something huge happens in your life. Congratulations on being YOU!<br />(you don't mind coming to my baby shower do you? LOL!)Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15293794450426842935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5575209851731621303.post-63182264372668409552013-08-19T14:25:46.255-04:002013-08-19T14:25:46.255-04:00Hey Bev (and Dave :)
I totally got goose bumps to...Hey Bev (and Dave :)<br /><br />I totally got goose bumps toward the end of your post, 'cos you so nailed it.<br /><br />I haven't had a very conforming life, yet "all of a sudden" I've found I have all I wanted: A family of my own and a wife who loves me, shiny bald head and everything (God help her:)<br /><br />You take your own sweet time - as you seem to be doing - and as you said, when it's right for you and Dave, it will be just right.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing :)Mark Koopmanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03634424953074803816noreply@blogger.com